How Not to F*** Them Up
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Review
"I agree with Oliver James. Caring for a baby or toddler is personal, because you have to tune in to the child's changing needs." -- The Times, Sue Palmer
"This is a man who wears his heart on his sleeve... his theories come across not as condescension, but as advice from one fucked-up-person to another." -- The Independent on Sunday, Jake Wallis Simons
"My hope is to help you understand how your outlook can be developed to meet your own and your child's needs." --waterstones.com, Oliver James
"... it is obvious that James is truly on the side of women and creating a society in which parenting and the issues it raises are shared between both partners." -- The Times Magazine, Louise Carpenter
"Hugely gripping... it certainly makes you think." --Angels and Urchins
[Oliver James] does a great job of describing some of the problems in modern society and how the demands of the 21st century can affect a person's happiness... [he] uncovers the answer to how to reconnect with what really matters and learn to value what you've already got. In other words, how to be successful and stay sane.' Ana Ivanovic, Tennis Professional -- Amazon
`Advice that focuses on training you - the parents - rather than your kids. A refreshing approach.' --Easy Living, September 2010
"This is a man who wears his heart on his sleeve... his theories come across not as condescension, but as advice from one fucked-up-person to another." -- The Independent on Sunday, Jake Wallis Simons
"My hope is to help you understand how your outlook can be developed to meet your own and your child's needs." --waterstones.com, Oliver James
"... it is obvious that James is truly on the side of women and creating a society in which parenting and the issues it raises are shared between both partners." -- The Times Magazine, Louise Carpenter
"Hugely gripping... it certainly makes you think." --Angels and Urchins
[Oliver James] does a great job of describing some of the problems in modern society and how the demands of the 21st century can affect a person's happiness... [he] uncovers the answer to how to reconnect with what really matters and learn to value what you've already got. In other words, how to be successful and stay sane.' Ana Ivanovic, Tennis Professional -- Amazon
`Advice that focuses on training you - the parents - rather than your kids. A refreshing approach.' --Easy Living, September 2010
Book Description
Oliver James - leading psychologist and bestselling author of Affluenza - presents real-life interviews, fascinating research and clear guidance to ensure we don't f *** up our under-threes
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews
12 of 12 people found the following review helpful
Format:Hardcover
I was really looking forward to reading this, mostly because I have a 2 year daughter. With hindsight, the fact that she is 2 and my son is 5 and a half should perhaps have made me wary of a book suggesting how to bring up under 3's. Inevitably, my feelings about the book are liable to become tinged with an element of guilt that I sent my own son to nursery rather than employ the nanny so strongly prefered within this book. In a nutshell, James talks us through 3 types of mothers - one that needs to work, one that needs to hug and love their children at all times and one that combines both (but not necessarily the best bits). Having helped you identify which you are he then goes on to offer advice - backed up well with references to academic studies and reserach galore - on how best to care for your children. He makes no pretence about addressing a middle class audience but even so, I think his expectations of the time and money available for psychoanalysis - which appears to be essential to good mothering - are slightly off beam. I have no doubt his advice is sound but a warning to those who have already made the bed their children lie in - this might leave you riddled with guilt. Luckily, James is currently penning his next tome 'Love Bombing' which apparently will offer us a way out of our previous mistakes....
23 of 24 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
Having been very impressed with James' previous book on the psychosocial drama that is modern parenting (They F*** You Up), I was looking forward to hearing what he had to say on childrearing, for that is how this new book sells itself. It appears to all intents and purposes to be a self-help or how-to handbook, but I found it worse than useless from a practical perspective and exceedingly frustrating to read.
On the issue of what James' has to say about being a better parent, the book falls at an important self-help hurdle by simply proposing that the reader "get help" (and expensive, legthy psychoanalytic help, at that) rather than providing any tangible help itself. In order to psychoanalyse yourself into better parenting in the manner James' recommends, you need to buy his previous book - which begs the question: what is this one for? Many of his position statements ("Daycare Is EVIL!", "If you want to go back to work, Then Go") simply place parents in an impossible and depressing Catch 22 and James' only "solution" is that we need to radically re-create our society. A point I entirely agree with - but one which does not help me deal with my toddler one iota. The book at times, seems aimed at politicians, not parents.
Stylistically and structurally, it is an irritating read. James has buried all the (very interesting) "science-y stuff" away in themed appendices (some of these quite lengthy), and you never know whether it would be best to leave them until later, or abandon the main text to read them now. He spends the first third of the book describing in detail the personality type of the "Organiser", but much of the time defines their characterstics as being opposite that of the "Hugger" - a type he doesn't properly introduce until the second act. I spent much of my time thinking that it would have been best to have introduced these personality types more completely at the beginning and interwoven their perspectives throughout the book.
Finally, comparing research on the adverse effects of daycare to research on serious sexual abuse is unecessary and unhelpful - I can imagine parents up and down the country slitting their wrists at this juncture. All in all, this was a disappointing and unecessary follow-up to his far superior They F*** You Up.
On the issue of what James' has to say about being a better parent, the book falls at an important self-help hurdle by simply proposing that the reader "get help" (and expensive, legthy psychoanalytic help, at that) rather than providing any tangible help itself. In order to psychoanalyse yourself into better parenting in the manner James' recommends, you need to buy his previous book - which begs the question: what is this one for? Many of his position statements ("Daycare Is EVIL!", "If you want to go back to work, Then Go") simply place parents in an impossible and depressing Catch 22 and James' only "solution" is that we need to radically re-create our society. A point I entirely agree with - but one which does not help me deal with my toddler one iota. The book at times, seems aimed at politicians, not parents.
Stylistically and structurally, it is an irritating read. James has buried all the (very interesting) "science-y stuff" away in themed appendices (some of these quite lengthy), and you never know whether it would be best to leave them until later, or abandon the main text to read them now. He spends the first third of the book describing in detail the personality type of the "Organiser", but much of the time defines their characterstics as being opposite that of the "Hugger" - a type he doesn't properly introduce until the second act. I spent much of my time thinking that it would have been best to have introduced these personality types more completely at the beginning and interwoven their perspectives throughout the book.
Finally, comparing research on the adverse effects of daycare to research on serious sexual abuse is unecessary and unhelpful - I can imagine parents up and down the country slitting their wrists at this juncture. All in all, this was a disappointing and unecessary follow-up to his far superior They F*** You Up.
33 of 36 people found the following review helpful
Format:Hardcover
Thank you Oliver James for being brave enough to tell us as it is in a time when we have apparently become too hyper-sensitive and defensive. Why? Because we aren't making good decisions ones where we have understood ourselves properly and balanced the evidence carefully. This book goes a long way to helping us.
So what if it comes a little late in the day for some of us (I have no under-threes anymore falling just outside this category) but I found the revelations validating rather than "threatening and upsetting" as Louise Carpenter of the Times review would have us believe. And yes I am a Mum that has used substitute care for under-threes but am now 'at home' having created a work solution that I do evenings.
The truths might be inconvenient but we shouldn't corner ourselves into a weak position of being afraid of the evidence preferring to ignore it and jumping on anyone who dares to speak plainly about the facts.
Surely it is best to be able to say "I understand the evidence and I made the best possible choice I could because I understand myself, what motivates me and I know what is best for my child". I for one would rather be aware than not.
An excellently written book where the author has gone out of his way to write in a gentle, accessible style packed full of 'practical tips' and news that should be constructively received. Parents who prefer to bury their heads in the sand should remember that in a few years time their children will be reading this.
Oh and I just don't get the issue about it being written by a man, what's the problem (I'm referring to Carpenter's review again here)? Feminism was meant to be about creating choice, real choices that mean we are true to ourselves not just jumping on the latest social bandwagon. This of course requires a bit of patience to listen to the experts (and I consider James amongst the few that are qualified to speak about parenting compared to the zillions of others out there who really are not) and then listen with honesty to ourselves before making our decisions.
So what if it comes a little late in the day for some of us (I have no under-threes anymore falling just outside this category) but I found the revelations validating rather than "threatening and upsetting" as Louise Carpenter of the Times review would have us believe. And yes I am a Mum that has used substitute care for under-threes but am now 'at home' having created a work solution that I do evenings.
The truths might be inconvenient but we shouldn't corner ourselves into a weak position of being afraid of the evidence preferring to ignore it and jumping on anyone who dares to speak plainly about the facts.
Surely it is best to be able to say "I understand the evidence and I made the best possible choice I could because I understand myself, what motivates me and I know what is best for my child". I for one would rather be aware than not.
An excellently written book where the author has gone out of his way to write in a gentle, accessible style packed full of 'practical tips' and news that should be constructively received. Parents who prefer to bury their heads in the sand should remember that in a few years time their children will be reading this.
Oh and I just don't get the issue about it being written by a man, what's the problem (I'm referring to Carpenter's review again here)? Feminism was meant to be about creating choice, real choices that mean we are true to ourselves not just jumping on the latest social bandwagon. This of course requires a bit of patience to listen to the experts (and I consider James amongst the few that are qualified to speak about parenting compared to the zillions of others out there who really are not) and then listen with honesty to ourselves before making our decisions.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
A breath of fresh air on baby rearing!
I read this book wondering whether it would be worth it, in all honesty to satisfy my daughter who is about to have our first grandson and is seeking advise from his thoughts... Read more
Published 23 days ago by Rob&Liz
Please Read Before Sending Under 3's To Nursery
I read this book a couple of months before I returned to work from maternity leave, and was considering nursery for my year old daughter. Read more
Published 3 months ago by Em B
Guilt Trip (Do not read if your children are 2+, you are a mum and...
This is a very sanctamonious look at child rearing and will make most people feel guilty if you read it after your children are a certain age. Read more
Published 3 months ago by Sara
Not a parenting manual
I bought this book after seeing Oliver James on TV and as a very new parent I think I was attracted to this book by the promise of learning how not to mess my newborn up for life. Read more
Published 8 months ago by welshpenguin
Apparently this book is not for people like us
Excited about the birth of our first child in a few months we decided to read up on what we can do to bring them up properly. Read more
Published 9 months ago by Marcus
Made me think alot!
This book very cleverly doesn't make you feel bad whether you choose to be a stay at home mum or go back to work. Read more
Published 10 months ago by Chicka dee
Brilliant!
This is a very stimulating and educational read. Can't praise this book enough - absolutely mind blowing and full of psychological facts and research. Read more
Published 12 months ago by Jevgenija Andrejeva
not a balanced critique
Oliver James has some pretty strong opinions on how children should be raised. These appear to have surfaced from an unhappy early experience with his mother which he details in... Read more
Published 14 months ago by jojomum
A thought provoking look at parenting styles. Brilliant.
What a brilliant book. I am not one for rushing off to write reviews about my latest read but this book has really made me think hard about the kind of parent I am, why I have... Read more
Published 19 months ago by L. Field
Challenge your ideas
Praise for Oliver James. How refreshing to read a baby book that puts it across from the childs point of view, as opposed to the 'do this do that' perspective that so many other... Read more
Published 22 months ago by Mum of one (Leigh On Sea)
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