How To Behave So Your Children Will Too [Paperback]

Basically, any relationship is improved by first improving yourself. As the author points out, if you provide a bad example to your child, you can expect your child to copy you. If you allow harmful influences into your child's life, those will be copied too in many cases.

The good news is that children will normally only misbehave about 5-10 percent of the time, unless we train them to do so more often as the primary way to get attention, rewards, and satisfaction. If you are having more trouble than that, this book will definitely help you.

There's a wonderful self-help quiz to assess whether or not you need this book. Here are my two favorite questions: "Does your baby sitter give you a discount for coming home early?" "Do your children spend hours in front of the TV and only minutes doing homework?"

The reference to B.F. Skinner is an allusion to his behavioral modification theories, which he applied to one of his own children by keeping the child in a box, and using the kind of training that you use with pets. This book puts that inappropriate method out of the way by seeking thinking cooperation from, not control, of the child.

The author has 25 years of experience as a school psychiatrist dealing with "behavior-disabled children." He's seen it all. I liked his stories though about his own family best, starting with the one about his 3 year old relieving himself in the refrigerator after the new baby came home. Sibling rivalry strikes again!

The book has special chapters for dealing with all of the toughest problems: children who misbehave deliberately all the time; ADD; violent children; when and whether to spank; changing the rules that don't work; and overcoming your own bad habits of losing your temper.

To start the book, you are asked to be open to new ideas, to manage your own anger, to learn to prevent arguments and power struggles, to be patient, consistent, and positive. That's all good advice, but I think the patient is the best. Children don't usually move as quickly or as directly as parents like. With a little patience and encouragement, however, they will usually get where they need to go. Most parents take their children's behavior too personally, as though it is a physical demerit or punishment aimed at the parent. Lighten up!

The only area where I disagreed with the book's advice (after the experience of 4 children) is in turning everything possible into a potential reward or a punishment. I think you can get the results you want without going that far. That approach just encourages kids to be overly sensitive to looking for carrots and sticks in adult life. Life isn't that simple or fair.

I was especially impressed with the advice for how to help children develop the ability to make good decisions, and gradually increase the scope of their decisions as they become better at it. That's the way to help your children, while keeping some peace in the process.

If you think you are very good with your children and get the results you want, then you probably don't need this book. If you aren't happy with how things are going, this book can really help you. It's essentially Relationship Rescue for parents and children.

Overcome your misconceptions about how to be a good parent and live happily ever after!

Enjoy your children at the same time!... END

I really enjoyed the first couple of chapters and I definitely support the idea that parents should "be" what they want their children to "become". I liked his admonition to focus on the positive behavior and not the negative. I also gleaned some other good advice here and there throughout the book.

However, once I got into the book, it became obvious that his "method" is based heavily on an elaborate bribery system [including numerous detailed tables of rewards for different age groups]. There is actually a chapter called "Never Give Away The Ice Cream" in which the author chastizes a family for taking their children out for ice cream. He says that *nothing* should ever be given to children unless it is tied to their behavior as an award. Forget unconditional love; quality family time for the sake of family time; or teaching children to do the right thing BECAUSE it is the right thing - this method is a sure fire way to teach your kids that nothing is worth doing unless they are being PAID to do it.

In my opinion, following the advice in this book is a great way to raise superficial, materialistic, self-serving brats who are guided not by their conscience, but by an external reward system.