Honey, I Wrecked the Kids: When Yelling, Screaming, Threats, Bribes, Timeouts, Sticker Charts and Removing Privileges All Don't Work [Paperback]

UPDATE: Been using the techniques in this book for about a year now. My son is 4.5 and really testing limits. Everytime we're stuck in a power struggle, or he's just acting cranky or becomes tearful, frustrated, or oppositional for reasons I can't understand, I go back to this book and reassess what's going on. Then try again. The strategies work. 9 times out of 10. The only child development/ parenting book I refer to regularly.

Clear, logical, effective. Easy to read. Well laid out. No kidding. This is a book you'll go back to over and over again. I had no idea how freeing it would be to focus on the interactions in our family and step back from defining and understand my son (as a "spirited" kid etc etc) until I opened Alyson Schafer's book and read through the introduction.

I've got advanced degrees and have worked in education, including special education for years. And I've trained other teachers and professionals who work with kids with language development problems, including autistic and kids with severe behavior problems. I'm very familiar with all sorts of behavioral approaches, tokens, charts, reinforcement schedules, behavior plans, etc etc etc. But in my gut I've never been 100% comfortable with these approaches because I knew their effect is limited. They only deal with the surface. In fact, I don't use stickers or other sorts of reward systems or charts at home (although I tried them with potty training, to no avail when the novelty wore off). Real change in behavior goes much deeper. It really does come from within the individual. It's based on a sense of satisfaction that comes from warm, respectful relationships with others and a sense of pride and capability in oneself. Even when I used these reward systems at work, I knew what most kids were after was my approval and what they mostly wanted was time with me or another adult who was really interested in them. (Lunch at McDonalds was the prize kids most often wanted to earn.)

I bought this book about a week ago while looking for more ideas (NOT just general principles!) for working with my spirited, intense 3-year old son. I realized that I (and my husband) had already fallen into some power struggles with him. Nothing huge. But nothing I wanted to continue either. I was looking for real PRACTICAL how-to- advice beyond what I found in Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's excellent "Raising your Spirited Child" and all the recent books on raising boys like Michael Thompson's "It's A Boy: Your Son's Development from Birth to Age 18." And I've felt that labels like "difficult" and "strong-willed" also only go so far (even when these terms are turned around and understood--very helpfully and clearly-- in a positive light, e.g., as "spirited). Don't get me wrong. Kurcinka's work is invaluable, and so is Thompson's and all the other work on this topic of raising boys (and appreciating 'spirit'). Much needed information here! In fact, the work on gender and developmental differences, along with Kurcinka's approaches on temperament, should be be much, much more part of efforts to educate teachers as well as parents than it now is. So all of this work has helped, But NONE of these books have dealt in great detail with the family interactions as a whole. "Honey I wrecked the Kids" does!

Schafer's techniques are based on approaches to the family developed by Alfred Adler. One of the pleasant surprises of this approach is how non-judgmental, respectful, and logical it is toward everyone in your household. And how easy to use. (Although it does mean that you have to be honest with yourself about things like whether you really ARE following a routine consistently.) The other night my son did his "run away" from us business. Which he does when he does not want to do something (like get into bed, pick up his toys). So instead of doing"helping" him come back, or doing "hand-over-hand" approaches--pick the pillow back up off the floor!-- I just sat down next to him and said "Sweetie, you know its bedtime. We always go to bed now. Mommy or Daddy can pick you up or take you to bed. But I'd really like it if you got into bed by yourself. Can you help us?" It worked. And he stayed in bed. Look, I know this sounds cheesy to some people. And that some folks will think that such approaches mean parents are being "permissive" or not exercising the proper authority, setting limits, or falling into the trap of being a "friend instead of a parent" (concerns that Schafer effectively puts to rest in her introduction). But really, you lose nothing as parent here, except maybe all the energy you were using to label or define or understand the kid (which is a relief in its own right). And you, and your family, gain a whole lot. Like a sense of peace, order, and warmth. And fun. As far as I'm concerned, this is what discipline in its truest sense looks like.

I bought this book when my wife and I had become completely frustrated with what we perceived as rebellious and stubborn behavior in our 9-year-old son. We really thought that we had "wrecked" him in some way dispute all our friends constantly telling us what great parents we are and what an amazing little boy we had.

If the book taught me anything that stuck, it's that my kid isn't so bad. I give him much more slack and try to be more diplomatic with him. As a result, my son is always smiling and singing and dancing around. He hates doing homework, but makes sure to get it all done before moving onto play time. He's responsible and compassionate and smart.

None of that, it turns out, is a result of reading this book. He's been that all along. The book helped me to put in perspective our expectations of him. It taught me to respect his boundaries a bit more and think more diplomatically about how I address him and explain my expectations to him.

I give it four stars because the book provided comfort to my wife and me when we were at our wits end. It didn't change our lives though. It's well written and easy to grasp. I just think the concepts in it are too much like a "hippy commune" mentality that seems to lack real discipline.

We as parents are our children's guardians, confidants and mentors. It's a big responsibility. It helps to look at how to deal with all that from different perspectives so that you can get a better handle on your own parenting style.

So even if the methods in it aren't for you, this book is cheap enough and light enough to be worthy of the investment of time and money. Your kids won't know you've read it, but they will likely benefit from your greater understanding.

I read the book in 4 days two weeks ago, I haven't yelled at the kids since. I am more relaxed and so are the kids. They are already behaving better and more respectfuly. Best of all, they seem happier too. This book is funny and easy to read but the information is still presented thoroughly and logically. A must buy for any parent who wants an easier and more respectful approach to living with their kids.