Home Taxidermy [Kindle Edition]

I had bought this book hoping it would enable me to preserve my brother when he sadly passed away. We had to go to an expert in the end as the book didn't show how to stuff a human. We had it done professionally, he now looks amazing in the armchair holding his can of special brew.

I stumbled upon this little gem whilst looking for Dermot O'Leary's pamphlet 'Taxi-Dermy?' which chronicles a cab journey he took from Kippax to Garforth in 1992. Alas I couldn't find Dermy's brochure, but I did find Home Taxidermy. Sweet Zeus must have been smiling down on me that day, because we've been at a loss as to what to do with poor old Gran for the past couple of weeks. This spell of wet weather we've had has really started to take its toll. I put three layers of Ronseal and a coat of varnish on her, but the damp was still getting in - we needed a more permanent solution. I've done my fair share of sacrifices to Athena in my day, so I'm familiar with the rudiments of anatomy, and the prospect of scaling up the instructions for the modest mouse, to our dear gran, didn't seem all that daunting to me.

Anyone who's seen a mummy will be aware that there tends to be a real problem with lip shrinkage during the preservation process, so we had to make sure gran's teeth looked tip-top. Thankfully we had a head start in this respect, as she already had a fantastic set of false gnashers before she snuffed it. Given the price of gold nowadays, coupled with the fact that she left all her worldly possessions to a foreign lesbian, it seemed like a shame to leave her four front gold teeth, or `grill', as she referred to them, in there so I prised them out with a Phillips screwdriver. I came up with the handy solution of replacing them with tic-tacs, which I No More Nailsed into place. I defy anyone to tell the difference from a distance -and I often do by asking passing gypsies and the like to guess which ones aren't real! They never get it right, so I never buy their pegs. Another surprise benefit is that her mouth now smells minty fresh, which is a significant improvement on the miasmic effluvia that used to emanate from her gob when she was alive.

I think the greatest thing is how the project has brought me closer to my children. I've raised them according to Xexoox Poplopolos' Ancient Grecian method, which naturally means my daughter is sexually attracted to me, and my son plots to kill me and marry his mother. As you can imagine it makes for some uncomfortable moments at the dinner table, but who am I to question the will of the mighty gods of mount Olympus? Concentrating on things like removing gran's brain with a bent coat hanger, and stuffing her cavities with lavender, has diverted Persephone's lustful gaze, and Hercules' patricidal leer away from me and onto something more constructive.

I really could ramble all day about this magnificent book; I imagine it will be a constant point on reference for us when loved ones pass away and I can't recommend it enough, but I'm giving it 1 star because I couldn't find my car keys this morning.

I was given this ebook when my cat was run over. Its a great book and the step by step descriptions on how to remove the internal organs are very clear - to be honest we didnt need them as they where all over the road (great pate though!!) The only problem we had is that the cat was quite flat due to the accident so we had to inflate him with old balloons and condoms. He looks OK now - a little wonky on his cushion but its like he never left us.