- Hardcover: 304 pages
- Publisher: Ballantine Books (26 April 2005)
- Language English
- ISBN-10: 037550821X
- ISBN-13: 978-0375508219
- Product Dimensions: 23.9 x 15.2 x 2.8 cm
- Average Customer Review: 4.2 out of 5 stars See all reviews (6 customer reviews)
- Amazon Bestsellers Rank: 2,029,592 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
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Product Description
Product Description
A psychologist with a reputation for penetrating to the heart of complex parenting issues joins forces with a physician and bestselling author to tackle one of the most disturbing and misunderstood trends of our time -- peers replacing parents in the lives of our children.
Dr. Neufeld has dubbed this phenomenon peer orientation, which refers to the tendency of children and youth to look to their peers for direction: for a sense of right and wrong, for values, identity and codes of behaviour. But peer orientation undermines family cohesion, poisons the school atmosphere, and fosters an aggressively hostile and sexualized youth culture. It provides a powerful explanation for schoolyard bullying and youth violence; its effects are painfully evident in the context of teenage gangs and criminal activity, in tragedies such as in Littleton, Colorado; Tabor, Alberta and Victoria, B.C. It is an escalating trend that has never been adequately described or contested until Hold On to Your Kids. Once understood, it becomes self-evident -- as do the solutions.
Hold On to Your Kids will restore parenting to its natural intuitive basis and the parent-child relationship to its rightful preeminence. The concepts, principles and practical advice contained in Hold On to Your Kids will empower parents to satisfy their children’s inborn need to find direction by turning towards a source of authority, contact and warmth.
Something has changed. One can sense it, one can feel it, just not find the words for it. Children are not quite the same as we remember being. They seem less likely to take their cues from adults, less inclined to please those in charge, less afraid of getting into trouble. Parenting, too, seems to have changed. Our parents seemed more confident, more certain of themselves and had more impact on us, for better or for worse. For many, parenting does not feel natural. Adults through the ages have complained about children being less respectful of their elders and more difficult to manage than preceding generations, but could it be that this time it is for real? -- from Hold On to Your Kids
Dr. Neufeld has dubbed this phenomenon peer orientation, which refers to the tendency of children and youth to look to their peers for direction: for a sense of right and wrong, for values, identity and codes of behaviour. But peer orientation undermines family cohesion, poisons the school atmosphere, and fosters an aggressively hostile and sexualized youth culture. It provides a powerful explanation for schoolyard bullying and youth violence; its effects are painfully evident in the context of teenage gangs and criminal activity, in tragedies such as in Littleton, Colorado; Tabor, Alberta and Victoria, B.C. It is an escalating trend that has never been adequately described or contested until Hold On to Your Kids. Once understood, it becomes self-evident -- as do the solutions.
Hold On to Your Kids will restore parenting to its natural intuitive basis and the parent-child relationship to its rightful preeminence. The concepts, principles and practical advice contained in Hold On to Your Kids will empower parents to satisfy their children’s inborn need to find direction by turning towards a source of authority, contact and warmth.
Something has changed. One can sense it, one can feel it, just not find the words for it. Children are not quite the same as we remember being. They seem less likely to take their cues from adults, less inclined to please those in charge, less afraid of getting into trouble. Parenting, too, seems to have changed. Our parents seemed more confident, more certain of themselves and had more impact on us, for better or for worse. For many, parenting does not feel natural. Adults through the ages have complained about children being less respectful of their elders and more difficult to manage than preceding generations, but could it be that this time it is for real? -- from Hold On to Your Kids
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews
35 of 36 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Restoring Natural Parenting,
This review is from: Hold On to Your Kids : Why Parents Matter (Hardcover)
Several years ago, my wife and I attended a seminar by Vancouver psychologist, Dr. Gordon Neufeld. It was one of those rare educational experiences that really altered the way we related to our children. The subject of that talk, "Hold on to Your Kids", is now expanded in this wonderful new book, co-authored with Vancouver MD, Gabor Maté.The first two-thirds deal with a cultural malaise that the authors claim is sweeping North America, making both parenting and teaching more challenging. With a wealth of both cited research and personal stories, the authors tie together issues such as bullying, early promiscuity, general aimlessness, learning difficulties, and the "flatlining of culture". Despite the usual association with peer concerns, this is not just a book for parents of teenagers. There is something here for every age group, from preschool through high school. It's also most assuredly not just a catalog of problems, but a well-developed thesis leading to the insight necessary for solutions. Several chapters in the final section would be worth the price alone. "Discipline That Does Not Divide" is an excellent parenting primer, while "Create a Village of Attachment" will help both parents and teachers ensure that their charges profit from their school experience. We who attended Dr. Neufeld's seminars in Vancouver had been waiting several years to see his ideas in print. The book does not disappoint. I will be rereading mine many times in the coming years. And perhaps more to come from this master of parenting.
4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:
4.0 out of 5 stars
Adequate,
By LucyG (London,UK) - See all my reviews
This review is from: Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers (Paperback)
I have been reading the book for a few days and have to say that i wouldn't bother buying it if you're already familiar with attachment parenting and non-mainstream parenting approaches. The general gist can be summarised in a few lines (as other reviewers have noted) and it is that kids need to be strongly attached to their parents and not 'peer-oriented' as that's better for their development and for their relationship with their parents. it gives support to parents who instinctively feel that they want to keep their kids quite close by. the quotes given on the amazon reviews (and the reason for why i bought the book!) are excellent but i havent managed to find them in the book yet which is really badly edited-as one of the reviewers said-the whole thing could be summarised in a chapter and the repetitiveness is frustrating and a complete waste of time! It is very difficult to find the meaty bits in the book. But the message is very very important and gives credence to many people's unease about having kids, especially tiny babies and toddlers, spend so much time with other kids in nurseries forming peer attachments and losing their attachments to adults.
if you know anybody who is immersed in mainstream parenting culture (toddler groups, obsession with 'socialisation', pushing kids into 'independence' etc) then they would certainly benefit from having a look at this book. otherwise, unless you have loads of time, i would save your pennies for something more concise! I have given the book 4 stars for the importance of what it's trying to convey.
4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
An essential book for every parent,
By
This review is from: Hold on to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers (Paperback)
There aer lots of good books for parents of young children, but very few good ones that I have come across for parents of older children. Gordon Neufeld talks in this book about human beings' basic need for attachment, and how, in a changing society over the alst fifty or sixty years, young people have started to find that attachment, and the associated role modelling, in their peers - a case of the blind leading the blind! He gives essential advice for parents as to how to create and maintain their childrens' attachment to them - he calls it reclaiming our children - and how to break unhealthy peer oriented behaviour. Essential for every parent with children aged 6+
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