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Hidden Messages: What Our Words and Actions Are Really Telling Our Children (Pantley) [Paperback]

Elizabeth Pantley
3.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (4 customer reviews)
RRP: 10.99
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Book Description

1 Jan 2000 Pantley

What are you really telling your children?

Elizabeth Pantley, the creator of the bestselling No-Cry parenting books, shows you how to improve the hidden messages behind your words and deeds. She shares with you other parents' stories that demonstrate how they unknowingly sent their kids negative messages through their words and actions. After each story she provides a gentle lesson by showing the child's perspective on the same scenario and offers suggestions for a positive outcome.

Frequently Bought Together

Hidden Messages: What Our Words and Actions Are Really Telling Our Children (Pantley) + The No-Cry Discipline Solution: Gentle ways to promote good behaviour and stop the whining, tantrums and tears + The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers: Gentle Ways to Stop Bedtime Battles and Improve Your Child's Sleep (Pantley)
Price For All Three: 26.27

Buy the selected items together

Product details

  • Paperback: 224 pages
  • Publisher: McGraw-Hill Contemporary (1 Jan 2000)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0809297701
  • ISBN-13: 978-0809297702
  • Product Dimensions: 22.8 x 15.4 x 1.3 cm
  • Average Customer Review: 3.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (4 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: 200,365 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

More About the Author

Parenting educator Elizabeth Pantley is president of Better Beginnings, Inc., a family resource and education company. Elizabeth frequently speaks to parents at schools, hospitals, and parent groups around the world. She is a regular radio show guest and frequently quoted as a parenting expert in newspapers and magazines world-wide and on hundreds of parent-directed Web sites. She publishes a newsletter which is distributed in schools, doctor's offices and parent programs everywhere.

Elizabeth is the author of several popular parenting books, including the best-selling No-Cry Solution series:
The No-Cry Separation Anxiety Solution
The No-Cry Discipline Solution
The No-Cry Sleep Solution
The No-Cry Sleep Solution for Toddlers and Preschoolers
The No-Cry Potty Training Solution
The No-Cry Nap Solution
Perfect Parenting

Elizabeth and her husband, Robert are the parents of four children. For more information, excerpts, parenting articles, and contests visit the author's website at http://www.pantley.com/elizabeth

Product Description

From the Back Cover

Even the best-informed parents will be shocked to discover that they have unintentionally been sending their kids the wrong messages. In this book, these hidden messages are revealed through intriguing stories that will make you laugh, cry, and reflect upon your own family life. Hidden Messages will teach you about yourself and encourage you to look at what's really going on between you and your children. Through specific action plans, it will help you uncover the best ways to raise your children to be happy, successful people.

About the Author

Elizabeth Pantley is a parent, educator, and author of the bestselling No-Cry parenting books, including The No-Cry Sleep Solution and The No-Cry Potty Training Solution.

Inside This Book (Learn More)
First Sentence
Curt, a bright sixteen-year-old, was bursting with excitement over his newly earned driver's licence. Read the first page
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Front Cover | Copyright | Table of Contents | Excerpt | Index | Back Cover
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Customer Reviews

3.8 out of 5 stars
3.8 out of 5 stars
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
79 of 79 people found the following review helpful
Have you have just come from refereeing one more fight between the children? Are you lying down on your bed from exhaustion after dashing from school, to the shops, to the laundry, to the gym, and picked up the dry-cleaning on the way back? Oh, and did you pick up the wet towels in the bathroom on the way back? What about the gym shoes left on the stairs?
If this is what your routine is like, then Elizabeth Pantley has written Hidden Messages just for you. She divides the book into different topics, or 'flash points', those factors which arise in many households such as The New Baby, Superwoman, Manners, and more. How do we pass on messages about responsibility, independence, thoughtfulness and kindness without nagging? She describes scenes which may be horribly familiar to you, then decodes the hidden message we have given our children, and suggests alternatives.
In this way she explains what our words and actions are really telling our children. Some of these examples may make you blush, and others make you gasp in horror as you recall using those very words this morning!
Once you see what she is saying, the rest falls into place. She doesn't preach, but she gently explains how we hand over the wrong messages to the kids when we say certain things, and how much easier it is for the children, and the parents, if we can truly say what we mean.
This book will make you stop and reconsider the effect your words have on your children. Buy it, you won't regret it. And, in the long term, neither will your children!
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14 of 15 people found the following review helpful
This might be the hundredth book on parenting I have read, and I was not disappointed.

The book is very concise, which is great because if like me you are working as well as being a parent...

Each story covers a theme such as battling siblings, dealing appropriately with neighbours who have different ways of raising their children, developing independence and life-skills in your children. It is easy to follow because the stories which are oh so familiar are very concise, without taking away anything from the quality of the lesson being passed on. Each story is followed by a paragraph stating the subtle message being given and then the reader is advised what to do about it. The stories cover all ages, from babies to teenagers. As well as everything else, I was impressed by the sheer range of issues and age groups covered.

As it does not take weeks to read (like some parenting books I have come across) you actually remember the lessons taught while you read the book and for some time after finishing it.

My child is too young and so far an only child, so many of the stories don't apply. But that may be an advantage-I get time to re-read it and make sure our family doesn't become one of those featured in the book!
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1 of 3 people found the following review helpful
3.0 out of 5 stars Good but obvous 2 Sep 2009
By Olga
While the book is indeed promoting loving and unconditional parenting, and must be a great inspiration and eye opener for a lot of parents, I personally found the "hidden messages" to be quite obvious. Yet again, I've read lots and know children developmental psycology quite well, so it didn't impressed me, but I do recommend it, especially if you haven't had tons of parenting books read.
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0 of 4 people found the following review helpful
2.0 out of 5 stars not a book for worriers ... 3 Jan 2010
Format:Paperback|Verified Purchase
good book to make you reassess the way you are with your child, but if you're that way inclined anyway do yourself a favour and don't buy the book.
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Most Helpful Customer Reviews on Amazon.com (beta)
Amazon.com: 4.7 out of 5 stars  23 reviews
80 of 81 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing! Life changing! 16 Jun 2001
By Gaye Ward - Published on Amazon.com
Everything we do is giving a message to our children. A scary thought? Certainly, especially when we realise that often we are unknowingly giving them entirely the WRONG message. Sometimes we are inadvertently teaching our children the exact OPPOSITE of what we would like to. The good news is that we can learn to give our kids the messages we really WANT them to get! Hidden Messages: What our words and actions are really telling our children is a book that EVERY parent needs to read.
As always, Elizabeth Pantley challenges us to think about our parenting and teaches us how to make changes that can have dramatic effects on the lives of our families. Her style is gentle and positive. As Dr. William Sears writes in his foreword, "Sure to gently tweak the consciences of even the best parents, inspire them to raise their children in a more conscious and sensitive manner - and tug at the heartstrings as a reminder to give constructive messages to our children".
This book is DIFFERENT! Elizabeth Pantley uses stories (some real, some partly contrived) to illustrate a whole variety of parenting lessons. This is very effective indeed. Many parents will be able to see themselves in some of the examples. As I read, I felt at times shocked, at times amazed, at times I even shed a tear or two. I learnt a great deal about myself, my parenting, and how to make some important changes. When you read this book, be prepared to be moved.
Hidden Messages consists of 33 stories, grouped into the categories: messages about responsibility and independence; messages about thoughtfulness and kindness; messages about annoyance and anger; messages about relationships; messages about discipline and behavior; messages about listening and caring and love; messages about time and priorities and messages about parenting styles. Each story is followed by the "hidden message" (see if you can work it out for yourself while reading the story!), "think about it" and "changes you can make". In these 33 short stories, you are taken on a kind of journey of all that is important in parenting. You are challenged (ever so gently) to examine your own relationship with your children and given the tools to grow and mature in your parenting journey.
This is an amazing book! I thoroughly recommend it to every parent - the messages contained in it are simply too important to miss.
53 of 53 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Challenging me to better parenting! 14 Nov 2004
By J. Rapp - Published on Amazon.com
Reading this book has been a seriously eye-opening experience for me. While I "knew" that our children are little sponges and take in everything around them, I had no idea how many "hidden messages" I was giving my daughter that were so negative. I truly saw myself as an excellent and attached parent, and I still do, but this book has truly called me to a deeper parenting model. Not everyone comes from a wonderful family of origin, and this book showed me how many things I was passing on that I had no intention of teaching my daughter. I recommend this book to every parent!
40 of 41 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Wonderfully written....Important topics 3 Mar 2004
By Reader - Published on Amazon.com
Powerful eye-opening messages that expose the errors in our innocent daily actions with our children. Each chapter opens with a very typical and common parent-child situation. You'll be nodding in agreement as you'll see yourself displayed clearly. Then the author presents a description of the Hidden Message shown in the action and you'll stop and restructure your thoughts on the insightful take on a seemingly harmless interaction. For example, if you always do for your child by packing his lunch, tieing his shoes, cleaning his room then you may be robbing him of the ability to take care of himself. Every parent should read this book - and the younger your child the better. Excellent.
39 of 40 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Devoted parents! 18 Jun 2003
By Adrienne - Published on Amazon.com
Once again Pantley has done it. What a fabulous window into myself and my children. I must confess that I think I am a most devoted and conscientious parent. With a background in early childhood education, I feel well prepared to competently reer my two boys. But Elizabeth's book has me re-examining some of my everyday decisions, such as cleaning up after my three year old or staying after him to do it. More importantly, reading certain scenarios was a reminder to me that every interaction with my children has an impact on their fragile little developing personalities. And frequently the impact is more far reaching than I anticipate.
Hidden Messages is not only valuable information. It also compellingly written by an author who is as competent and experienced as she is earnest and compassionate.
This book is a "must read" for parents!
13 of 13 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Walking a mile... 9 Nov 2000
By A Customer - Published on Amazon.com
"Hidden Messages" puts the reader back into the mind and heart of the child, and moves the reader to think more carefully about the things s/he says to, does for, and behaves around children. The book is based on the premise that most of us are "good parents" trying our best and incites us to think things through as we go through our everyday routines. The main thrust of the book is "walking a mile" in our children's shoes. Each section describes a common, everyday occurrence in family life, an incident that might not otherwise provoke a moment of thought...until viewed through a child's eyes. It then describes the child's possible interpretation, and discusses approaches.
When I read this book, I found myself saying over and over again, "Yes, I've done that...I've never thought of things that way..."
The book provokes thought on behalf of our children in a wise, witty, warm way that made me want to hug my children at the conclusion of every chapter. It offered reassurance that I'm just like most parents, yet gives me ways I can improve my communication style and be more mindful of the examples I set. I can't think of anyone who could not benefit from reading it.
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