The earth was created in 6 days. Sounds plausible to me. The work was undertaken by a guy calld God apparentely. Or is it a girl called God? Or something else that just so happens to be called God but doesn't really have a form? This information is never really made clear. All quite reasonable so far and in every way possible totally believable. Honestly.
Skip a few centuries. The Earth is populated by beings known as humans now. The original female of the species was created from the rib of the male obviously. Humans managed to breed for a while after being tricked by a snake into committing the worst crime imaginable. Eating an apple.
"Those humans" thought God to him/her/its self. "Getting a bit too big for their boots IMHO. Better keep them on their toes a bit by flooding the entire planet and killing them all. Apart from 2 of every single species of animal and the first human i can find capable of building an ark big enough for them all to sail on of course."
The task was undertaken by Noah. Clarification was required on the point of 2 of every species but God was quite insistent. Even the water vole. The Ark sailed around a bit and a jolly time was had by all. Then some other stuff probably happened that I have no idea about and the new testament began.
Animals had become less intelligent in the new testament. Snakes couldn't talk anymore for example. In fact all animals had reverted to pretty much the same state we see them in today. Thanks to Noah's heroics the water vole had flourished.
God was getting nervous again however. The humans needed him/her/it to be a little bit closer to them so as to keep an eye on them better so he/she/it came up with a cunning plan.
He impregnated a human female with his son, who was also at the same time him/her/its self and even more amazingly he did this without resorting to the tried and trusted method. Less fun for all concerned but a neat trick if you can pull it off.
Things went pretty much as planned. Jesus, because that was his name, delighted huge crowds with his much talked about magic shows. Memorable favourites included walking on water, water into wine and feeding a load of beggars with some bread and fish. Aside from these more well known feats he was also a renowned escape artist and a master of misdirection. You had to keep your wits about you when Jesus was around or before you knew it your watch would be in his pocket. Of course he always gave it back.
Jesus confided in his close friends that all of his major miracles were accomplished with the help of really, really thin pieces of string, strategically placed mirrors and the general massive stupidity of the people at the time.
Eventually Jesus met his demise. After tipping over some tables he was sentenced to death by crucifixion.
A few days later he put his talent for escapology to good use and went and said goodbye to a few close mates.
Since then religion has flourished. All around the world millions of people dedicate a couple of hours every Sunday to sitting in a cold, old building and allow a man to shout at them a bit. It's all good fun of course and not to be taken seriously.
Do not be offended religious types. I want your feedback. Will my mockery send me straight to Hell? Personally I know it won't because Hell does not exist but if it makes you happy to think it does then good luck to you.
In any case i'm just as fervent in my beliefs as you are. Mine just happen to be correct and more easily proven by an evil invention of the Devil known as Science.
I hope this doesn't get removed. I don't think anybody has a case to report abuse because I haven't been abusive. As a matter of fact I find most religious statements by people defending their faith offensive to mine. Atheism.
I don't need some imaginary bloke in the sky to tell me not to kill people. I picked up that vital bit of info at a fairly young age. I also don't need a religion to be a good person. I just am. Life is easier that way.