Jeggy was gloom-ridden as he sat on a frilly pillow in the dark. While he was still the darling of the Gramophone Magazine and BBC 3, his dismissal from Deutsche Grammophon rankled him. Was he not the greatest conductor in the world? Had he not recently sat, Petronius-like, in the front row when Chailly unveiled his Beethoven symphonies to the public?
"Commercially unviable!" Gardiner snarled to himself. "I'll show those blighters!"
"Name?" the Witch of Endor croaked.
"Summon the spirit of Joseph Haydn," John Eliot Gardiner said snootily. "I want him to endorse my recording of The Seasons - that'll teach those Hunnic ingrates at Deutsche Grammophon!"
When the woman saw Gardiner's leonine mane of white hair, she cried out, "Why have you deceived me? You're that Jeggy bugger!"
"Don't be afraid!" the conductor exclaimed stoutly. "It is I! Now what do you see?"
"I glimpse a ghostly figure arising from the earth."
"What does he look like?"
"An old man with a large nose," the witch murmured.
It was Haydn. The conductor bowed down and prostrated himself with his face to the ground.
"Jeggy, why have you disturbed my sleep?"
"I am in great distress," the founder of the English Baroque Soloists whined. "The Philistines are raging against me and DG has terminated my contract. Their President no longer answers my calls. It's quite awful! So I have called on you for assistance. You must surely be aware of my landmark recording of Die Jahreszeiten from 1992. If you could bestow your imprimatur upon it, it would be rather helpful!"
The phantasm shuddered in agony. "Why do you consult me, now that the DG has departed from you and become your enemy? DG has done what was predicted. The critics have torn the kingdom from your hands and given it to your adversaries - to Harnoncourt and Jacobs in Die Jahreszeiten. I am familiar with your tepid little recording: it's sprucely dry, unimaginative and lacking in humanity. Its coldness is semi-masked by fast tempo and high energy but it's glacial all the same. Your `Skip to my Lou' prelude to summer skates over the innate majesty of the score. Blink and you'll miss the Bird as Prophet - the oboe-passage that augurs in the onset of Summer. Only you, Jeggy - yes, only you could attempt to transform the finale to summer into evensong and nearly succeed in doing so. Dionysus fails to make an appearance in the Drunkards' Chorus in Autumn. Anthony Rolfe Johnson sings grittily. With no phrase left unclipped, the English Baroque Soloists scratch their way through the score. Come the finale of Winter, there is no sense of the Second Coming: it's tea-on-the-lawn."
Jeggy whimpered.
"Because you did not obey the spirit of the score, soon enough your bloodless recording of the Seasons will join me in oblivion!"
Immediately Jeggy fell full length on the ground, filled with fear. His strength was wasted for he had eaten nothing organic from his verdant hamlet in Dorset.
Filled with pity, the Witch of Endor raised Jeggy to his feet and dusted him off.
"I don't want you to go home famished. Here is some Soup for the journey."
She handed over a copy of Karajan's recording of The Seasons from 1972 Haydn: Die Jahreszeiten
Jeggy wept.