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What a wonderful book. Such a simple message, and yet so important and so challenging! This is the best of the many books I have read on how to bring up children with integrity. This is how I want my grandchildren to be brought up. And this is how I want to behave in many of my other relationships too. All parents should read it. --Susan Norman, Former Director of SEAL (Society for Effective Affective Learning)
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Based on the ideas of Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, Growing Up In Trust looks at the impact of reward and punishment on children and on the relationship between the children and their parents, teachers and other grown-ups around them. The way we bring up our children leads to disinterest, shame and fear, and competition. There is an alternative method, and it is based on trust. Growing up in Trust is about a world beyond right and wrong, where no one tells children what they should do. They already have an inborn morality and a longing to please and to learn. This can grow if we give an example in being social and authentic, if their needs are just as important as ours. So it is not about letting children take over. It is about taking care of ourselves and being clear about what we want. Then we have the energy to be interested in what is going on with our children.
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2 of 2 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
We decided many years ago, as a culture, that hitting children was wrong - but are the reward-and-punishment schemes and the emotional manipulation that we use instead any better? All alike are aimed at manipulating children into doing what we want them to do - and where is the morality in that?
It's a challenging idea, and most of this book is informal, conversational, and persuasive. It recognises that there are fundamental questions at stake: Chapter 6 is entitled "Do right and wrong (and good and bad) exist?". The ideal held up constantly is of adults and children interacting as people by equal and fair negotiation. This is difficult enough with teenagers; here it is the ideal from birth. The case may seem boldly overstated, but it has a serious point to make. Giving (and therefore by implication occasionally withholding) stickers and stars and housepoints and sweets and treats and even gushing praise could well be just as harmful as an occasional clip on the back of the leg used to be, depending on how it is done, and what the purpose of the manipulation might be - because all these rewards and punishments are about manipulation at some level.
The conversational and persuasive style of the book can seem bewildering, emotionally exhausting and even guilt-inducing at times - so it is a great relief when Chapter 11 finally lists the author's positive recommendations for interaction between the generations, and they all sound like achievable goals, from enjoying things together, taking a genuine interest, and giving the child space in the broadest sense, to setting a good example, saying what we're thinking and feeling, and pointing out clearly comprehensible and visible causes and effects - but it has to be said (if we still want to feel guilty) the imbalance of power remains.
This is not an academic thesis, or a complete child-care manual, but it is a worthwhile corrective to many current assumptions, and it will set you thinking about every aspect of your interaction with the younger generations.
It's a challenging idea, and most of this book is informal, conversational, and persuasive. It recognises that there are fundamental questions at stake: Chapter 6 is entitled "Do right and wrong (and good and bad) exist?". The ideal held up constantly is of adults and children interacting as people by equal and fair negotiation. This is difficult enough with teenagers; here it is the ideal from birth. The case may seem boldly overstated, but it has a serious point to make. Giving (and therefore by implication occasionally withholding) stickers and stars and housepoints and sweets and treats and even gushing praise could well be just as harmful as an occasional clip on the back of the leg used to be, depending on how it is done, and what the purpose of the manipulation might be - because all these rewards and punishments are about manipulation at some level.
The conversational and persuasive style of the book can seem bewildering, emotionally exhausting and even guilt-inducing at times - so it is a great relief when Chapter 11 finally lists the author's positive recommendations for interaction between the generations, and they all sound like achievable goals, from enjoying things together, taking a genuine interest, and giving the child space in the broadest sense, to setting a good example, saying what we're thinking and feeling, and pointing out clearly comprehensible and visible causes and effects - but it has to be said (if we still want to feel guilty) the imbalance of power remains.
This is not an academic thesis, or a complete child-care manual, but it is a worthwhile corrective to many current assumptions, and it will set you thinking about every aspect of your interaction with the younger generations.
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