Granny [1999] [DVD]

The first awful thing about Granny is the DVD's menu system, one of the most atrocious to ever flutter before my eyes as my finger moved to press the enter button on the remote. I pressed the button and nothing happened. I scratched my head in confusion, puzzled as to why the film wasn't starting. I pushed the button again. Still nothing happened. Then I realized that the reason nothing was happening was because there was no marker next to the play film text. In fact, none of the text was highlighted or had some sort of circle near it like menu text normally does. I actually had to wait, yes you read that right, wait about five minutes for the menu to fully load so I could watch the movie. It was a serious shock to someone so used to DVD's simply working straight away. But to be honest with you, if that sort of thing puts you off buying this nightmare of bad filmmaking, then the Granny experience really isn't worth buying in to.

I don't know anything about the history of this film, or the actors who are in it, and I don't want to look that info up. I don't care. All you need to know is that this film is one of the worst ever made in all history, and if there are other civilisations out there, on other planets in this galaxy or galaxies trillions of miles away, this would be one of the worst films ever made on their planets too. If we showed them this film it would probably insult them so much they would obliterate the entire population of Earth, and for unleashing this permanent imperfection on the universe they would be right to do so. During this film I welcomed death. The acting is abysmal, the directing is non-existent, lighting and sound are awful, the script is an insult to the dictionary, nothing usually considered a good idea to have in a film is in this one.

But like all films that fall into this odd category of art, and this film absolutely is art in the most raw way it can be, there are many redeeming qualities that make it worth wasting your money on, even if overall it's still not going to give you the satisfaction an actual good movie would. But who cares. When a film has death scenes as funny as this one, for example the scene where a girl is stabbed dozens and dozens of times by granny, this act alone eliciting riotous laughter from me and my sister, and then the girl is still alive afterwards, who needs Oscar winning films or WGA award winning scriptwriters. But then again this film isn't as funny as Troll 2 (still the best there is in the category of so bad it's good), Plan 9, robot Monster or Manos so if you don't own those films you should get them before this. Granny can be very funny but it can also be very dull, something Troll 2 and Plan 9 never are in my opinion. If you do buy this, just make sure you watch it with friends.

I've sat for about two minutes changing the star-rating for this review from one star to five stars, then back to one star, then, one more time, back to five, then back to... and so on...

This is the single worst film I have ever seen in my life, and if I come back in another life in a time when films are watched, it will be the worst film I see in that life as well... My friends rented this, put it in the machine, and, telling me it was the horror classic 'Halloween', we started to watch. I very quickly realised that it wasn't 'Halloween'. It has, and this is the absolute truth, NO PLOT. From the first attack to the completely baffling ending, which adds twist after twist after nonsensical twist (at the end of the film I still didn't recognise or know the name of any of the characters), this film seems like the rainy-day project of a bunch of bored teenagers.

Amateurish; depressingly badly acted; nonsensical; completely unfrightening; and, particularly under the influence of any kind of mind-altering substance, the funniest film I have ever seen. Worse, and therefore better, than 'Friday the 13th'.

I rented this film out when I was an impressionable 12 year old 'back in the day' expecting to be scared senseless "IT'S AN 18, OMG IT WILL BE WELL SCARY LOLZ!!!". I cannot remember what me and my mates exact words were after the first viewing, but unfortunatly, because we had only rented it, and only me and one other guy were watching it, the hilarity could not be spread. We didn't hear of the film again for years as at the time I didn't have any access to the internet to be able to purchase it...

5 years passed, every day I thought of Granny being available on DVD. I pondered over it, every waking minute of my life. Me and my friend Dan must have told everyone in the world how amazing this film was, but alas, we were alone in having seen it. Then (no lie) whilst traversing a flea market in my hometown of Todmorden, there it was. Like a shining beacon of pure unbridled joy. Granny. The DVD. 50 English Pence.

From that day forward, life for me and the rest of this small valley town, has never been the same again. I had better begin to review the actual movie for you now, but hopefully this long (but eloquent) teaser of a prologue, will have whetted your insatiable appetite.

So, what makes THE GRANNY perhaps the most groundbreaking, both visually and orally, motion picture of all time? Was it the moment that a male I assume was plucked from the queue line in Tescos and offered a part in what he thought was Scream 4, uttered the immortal line:

Male from Tescos: "Hey, who wants a beer?"
Girl: "You can score me one"
Male from Tescos (with wink in eye): "Get yourself one sweetcakes"

or was it the moment that the Granny threw said male from Tescos through an open window, sending him crashing to Earth from 50 feet, only for him to be alive and well at the 'funeral' at the end of the brilliance.

I cannot recommend this enough, in all honesty, all these reviews, mine included, are rubbish. Nothing, NOTHING, can do this justice. It is an experience that everyone with even a hint of a love of laughter has to see. I guarantee that once bought, you will view this at least once a year religiously, with all your friends camped around the TV, and a shedload of booze readily available.

Just the way it should be.