Fifty Shades Trilogy Boxed Set [Paperback]

Eyebrows were raised when I said I was reading this because apparently, "it's a girls book". Thirty-six years after the passage of the Equalities Act, I laugh in the face of such wanton sexism!

But sure enough, it took to around page 80 before I was introduced to the sleek lines of Christian's Audi SUV and the handling capabilities of his Bell helicopter. Plus by the time I'd got to page 500, nobody had been blown up by terrorists. More is the pity.

Forget all of that though. What I like in a book is a bit of escapism, but it's not an escape if where you end up isn't real. And this isn't. For a start, nobody is short of a few quid and everybody is beautiful and thin. Hey Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore ......

But forget all of that too.

Picture a young innocent (who is "a total babe", of course), saving herself for Mr Right. Within days of meeting rich Mr Grey(so gorgeous it just takes your breath away, apparently), she finds herself back at his place (more a sort of skyscraper really). Let's have a tour of his digs. Living room - nice and tasteful, balcony - great views, kitchen - all immaculate marble. And, then, there's the red room. You know, the one with the caribiners on the roof, the restraining cuffs on the wall, the chains on the bed posts and the assortment of whips and riding crops scattered about the floor. Remember, we're not dealing with reality here so the real possibility that you've just delivered yourself into the hands of the Seattle Strangler doesn't come into it. Of course, you decide to stay. And you tell yourself that while you are just a little bit unsure, you are staying because what you really want is to get to know him and his issues better. And anyway, isn't he gorgeous?

So, just like Ana, once she's been taken backwards, forwards, trussed up and with a pair of steel balls, I found I didn't have any strength left. And I'm told there are three in the series?!? Unless I get a guarantee that early on in Book 2, Jose grows a pair, buys himself a M95 sniper rifle and turns the wall behind Christian 50 shades of grey brains, I don't think so. I'll give it 1 because of all the titillating bits, but only because I am assured that nobody was injured in the research.

Meantime, ladies, if you ever find yourself alone with a bloke who doesn't like being touched and who wants to put cable ties around your wrists while applying a gag, don't ask yourself what the beautiful Anastasia would have done in these circumstances, JUST RUN!

Frankly, I thought that womenkind had hit its lowest ebb when thousands of us flocked to see Sex in the City - I was wrong. `Shades of Grey' has to be one of the worst books I have ever had the displeasure to read.

I thought I would give it a try having heard from friends that it was a brilliant and erotic page turner, I wish I hadn't bothered. The book centres around the blossoming sexual relationship of Mr Grey and Ana. Mr Grey is apparently a billionaire hunk who spends little time working and has a penchant for BDSM this is something which he is eventually `cured' of by the female protagonist, a much younger, insecure virgin (for goodness sake - the clues are all there I should have known!).

The actual storyline, which is in there somewhere, would have only filled 20 pages had it not been for the apparently insatiable and unstoppable sexual appetites of the pair. The sex is so frequent as to become boring and I got to a point where I could no longer take the endless repetitive references to the `apex of my thighs', `everything south of my navel....', tongues invading mouths, `my sex', `jolts of electricity' and `lips twitching and the hint of a smile'. In addition to the cringeworthy descriptions of the sex between the protagonists, the author, apparently in an attempt to promote safe sexual practices, has also crowbarred into each and every sex scene a reference to the condom Mr Grey was putting on. The author even goes so far as to include scenes in which the female protagonist is sent to see a gynaecologist during which the author gives the reader a run down on the oral contraceptives she has been prescribed.

Of the two protagonists, he is the more likeable, though so unbelievable it is laughable. He appears to have has his character built to fit the chick flick ideal of a beautiful and successful, mysterious, well-endowed millionaire who is inherently flawed (I can only assume this is to excuse him from the fact that were he not flawed he would be the world's biggest prick).

The female protagonist, Ana, is unlikeable and has a continual inner monologue in addition to frequent references to an apparently all singing, all dancing, inner goddess. She is contradictory and continually throws her toys out of the pram, presumably as a device to allow for the next lust filled encounter with Mr Grey. When she is not begging for sex, she seems to spend most of her time blushing, crying or debating whether she should be having sex or failing that badgering her lover for more information about his troubled past. Her character throughout the book reads like the characterisation of a teenager and probably should be. In short, if I were Mr Grey I would have seriously considered having her bumped off!

Possibly the thing that annoyed me most (aside from the fact this book treats women like idiots), was the continual reference to the Mr Grey character as '50 shades' by Ana, the female, a sentence which is only used once by the male character whilst referring to the fact that he is emotionally unstable but then is bafflingly used as a nickname for the remainder of the book.

Lastly, there are also endless references to both of them either buying or being in Audis or using Twinings teabags so I hope the author at least got a free cup of tea and a car out of it as she certainly won't have any credibility left. The long and the short of it is, anyone who tells you it is a love story is talking b*llocks. It is at best, incredibly badly written erotica. Personally, I wish I hadn't bothered, but if you want to follow the masses and read this book who can stop you.

After hearing about these books everywhere, I gave into the hype. And my main thought is, people that say this is the best book(s) they've ever read clearly don't read many books.

Basically what I learnt from this trilogy is:

*You don't need to be a good writer to top the best sellers list- These books are full or repetition and lazy writing, I don't know how many times the phrases "oh my", "ah" and "inner goodess" featured in these books, but I'm guessing that if they were cut out there wouldn't even be 50 pages to put together. Every paragraph to endure being told how good looking Christian was. And I swear that the sex scenes were copied and pasted every other page.

*That twilight makes middle aged women have strange fantasies- Everyone knows that the fifty shades trilogy started from twilight fan-fiction, and the similarities are uncanny, there's too many to list but I'm sure if you've read both series you'll see what I mean.

*That sex sells- it certainly sold this book. However, The sex seemed like it was written by a 12 year old, I mean I don't think there's many women who had a "mind blowing" first time like Ana does, not to mention having multiple orgasms at the drop of a hat. Oh and Christian is ready for round 2 just 3 minutes after having sex. sI can only assume the writer has never has sex.

*That someone with a BDSM fetish can give it up for someone after knowing them for about a month

*That you can know someone well enough to marry them after 2 months

*That after having married, you should have no friends except your spouse

*That abuse is romantic- Yes, aspects of Christians behaviour is abusive.

*That it's normal to have sex 5 times a day, everyday

*That doing things that make you uncomfortable is fine if he's hot

*That a romance story has to end with a baby.

If you give into the hype like I did, make sure you borrow a copy rather than buy it. I'll admit the story sounds like a rather interesting dynamic- a love story between a troubled man with a BDSM fetish and a young woman, but my expectations of a good book were not met.