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Praise for "Feeling Good Together "from mental-health professionals:
"This is the finest work of its kind and will stand for generations as "the" relationship book."
--Matthew May, MD, adjunct clinical faculty, Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the Stanford University School of Medicine
""Feeling Good Together" should be required reading for all couples who want to create a happy, healthy relationship." --Tori Kelley, PhD, LMHC, owner, Central Florida Mental Health, Inc.
"Finally, a relationship repair tool kit without fluff or camouflage. Change is a choice for brave and daring souls. Thank you, Dr. Burns!" --Nancy Ellen Lee, MFT, PhD
"Implementing these ideas has been truly life changing. It works!" --Mischa Routon, MFT
"The relationship strategies in this book are simple but profound. This is Dr. Burns's most seminal work. " --Jan Stanfield, MFT/LCSW
"A powerful set of tools (and even a tool kit) to evaluate, repair, -
"This is the finest work of its kind and will stand for generations as "the" relationship book."
--Matthew May, MD, adjunct clinical faculty, Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at the Stanford University School of Medicine
""Feeling Good Together" should be required reading for all couples who want to create a happy, healthy relationship." --Tori Kelley, PhD, LMHC, owner, Central Florida Mental Health, Inc.
"Finally, a relationship repair tool kit without fluff or camouflage. Change is a choice for brave and daring souls. Thank you, Dr. Burns!" --Nancy Ellen Lee, MFT, PhD
"Implementing these ideas has been truly life changing. It works!" --Mischa Routon, MFT
"The relationship strategies in this book are simple but profound. This is Dr. Burns's most seminal work. " --Jan Stanfield, MFT/LCSW
"A powerful set of tools (and even a tool kit) to evaluate, repair, -
Book Description
A simple, revolutionary guide to solving any relationship conflict without the need for therapy, from the author of the international bestseller Feeling Good
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Customer Reviews
Most Helpful Customer Reviews
11 of 12 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
If this book has been subtitled `Know your own faults, and life will improve', and if it had stuck with the first eleven chapters, it would have been an excellent read.
Unfortunately, the actual subtitle is `The secret to making troubled relationships work'. To fulfil this promise, the subsequent eighteen chapters are filled with formulae and `five secrets' and tricks of behaviour that you're supposed to rehearse and role-play.
I'm not at all sure that these latter chapters will do much for troubled relationships. For one thing, the book seems to assume that the pain in the relationship will manifest itself verbally. That is, your partner will open his/her mouth at some point and say "You're putting my husband down", or "You never listen to me" or "Nothing turns you on!" or some other set of words that will usefully expose the heart of the problem. Perhaps this is a cultural thing, and perhaps people in the US are more likely to get into robust dialogues than us reticent Brits, but it seems to me that troubled relationships tend to get wedged in spaces where all communication carefully avoids the hot spots, or where the problem is acted out, or where sarcasm takes the place of honest complaint. And many people are completely unable to recognise their own emotions, never mind articulate those emotions in a useful way. In other words, there is no useful dialogue.
However, if that first dialogue ignition doesn't happen, then the rest of this book is just so much paper. There IS a chapter near the end that suggests that if the `five secrets' aren't working for you, it's down to YOUR failure to implement them properly. The possibility that there is nothing to implement them ON, does not seem to occur.
Even assuming that your partner in relationship angst does manage to come out with a helpful "You're a jerk" remark - which means that you can at least get your teeth into the problem - there's a further assumption that the partner's complaint against you holds a grain of truth (at least as far as they're concerned), and that acknowledging that truth will make the complainer feel relieved and `heard', and all will be rosy. While this may well be valid in many situations, there are an awful lot of other relationship dynamics - gaslighting comes to mind - where the 'grain of truth' is a weapon rather than a plea, and where acknowledging it is neither a wise nor effective strategy.
In all, this book comes across as being written by someone who spends an awful lot of time theorising, and not much time gathering information about real people in real relationships.
Read it for the first eleven chapters.
Unfortunately, the actual subtitle is `The secret to making troubled relationships work'. To fulfil this promise, the subsequent eighteen chapters are filled with formulae and `five secrets' and tricks of behaviour that you're supposed to rehearse and role-play.
I'm not at all sure that these latter chapters will do much for troubled relationships. For one thing, the book seems to assume that the pain in the relationship will manifest itself verbally. That is, your partner will open his/her mouth at some point and say "You're putting my husband down", or "You never listen to me" or "Nothing turns you on!" or some other set of words that will usefully expose the heart of the problem. Perhaps this is a cultural thing, and perhaps people in the US are more likely to get into robust dialogues than us reticent Brits, but it seems to me that troubled relationships tend to get wedged in spaces where all communication carefully avoids the hot spots, or where the problem is acted out, or where sarcasm takes the place of honest complaint. And many people are completely unable to recognise their own emotions, never mind articulate those emotions in a useful way. In other words, there is no useful dialogue.
However, if that first dialogue ignition doesn't happen, then the rest of this book is just so much paper. There IS a chapter near the end that suggests that if the `five secrets' aren't working for you, it's down to YOUR failure to implement them properly. The possibility that there is nothing to implement them ON, does not seem to occur.
Even assuming that your partner in relationship angst does manage to come out with a helpful "You're a jerk" remark - which means that you can at least get your teeth into the problem - there's a further assumption that the partner's complaint against you holds a grain of truth (at least as far as they're concerned), and that acknowledging that truth will make the complainer feel relieved and `heard', and all will be rosy. While this may well be valid in many situations, there are an awful lot of other relationship dynamics - gaslighting comes to mind - where the 'grain of truth' is a weapon rather than a plea, and where acknowledging it is neither a wise nor effective strategy.
In all, this book comes across as being written by someone who spends an awful lot of time theorising, and not much time gathering information about real people in real relationships.
Read it for the first eleven chapters.
3 of 3 people found the following review helpful
Format:Paperback
If you are one of the humans having difficulty with another person with communication- from your beloved to your co-workers, this is the book for you. It will go through enough senarios to allow you to deal with the many variables thrown up in converstation by not only the "other" but perhaps more importantly- how YOU deal with each and every exchange. If you tend to react rather than listen, or simply cannot figure out a way to calmly say things with another person- this will help in leaps and bounds. The ONLY way I could have written this account was by applying the book, and as a result of it my long term, and previously long distance relationship, with the person I regard as my soul mate has been resurrected, and not only that, we have a closer, better understanding of each other, and are right back to being "in- love". Brilliant- Thank you- Dr. Burns. I am extremely happy as a result.
Yes, 5 stars, and more if the choice allowed.
Yes, 5 stars, and more if the choice allowed.
Most Helpful Customer Reviews on Amazon.com (beta)
Amazon.com:
16 reviews
30 of 30 people found the following review helpful
This book presents all of his teachings on marriage in one well organized place
9 April 2009
Format:Hardcover|Amazon Verified Purchase
This is an excellent book for a person who wants to improve their relationship with others and most especially with their spouse. And yes, I have read the entire book. Only one person needs to read the book and apply the learning. That is enough to start a chain reaction throughout the relationship. Dr. Burns also shows how these same principles apply to less important relationships. If you have read all of his other books and listened to his training tapes you may not read much that is new but he has put it all together in one spot with thorough explanations and examples for all to learn and benefit from. As a marriage therapist this book is included in my bibliography.
18 of 18 people found the following review helpful
Brings people together !
18 Jan 2009
Format:Hardcover
This is another classic from David burns on how to solve relationship problems. He explores in depth the causes that divide people and cause so much mental agony. Note this book in no way insists that one should have relationships with everyone. The book takes a bold look at how we create the very problems we complain. Dogmatically sticking to Truth is the biggest one.
David burns having dealt with depression and anxiety issues in past takes a radically different approach for relationship problems. This is great book not to be missed for anyone having troubled relationships. 5 stars
David burns having dealt with depression and anxiety issues in past takes a radically different approach for relationship problems. This is great book not to be missed for anyone having troubled relationships. 5 stars
19 of 20 people found the following review helpful
This book is an outstanding choice for anyone dealing with relationship problems.
16 Mar 2010
Format:Hardcover
Feeling Good Together: The Secret to Making Troubled Relationships Work
Review by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
Burns' previous book, Feeling Good, sold over four million copies; this book has the potential of doing the same. It is outstanding. In this 255-page book, there are six parts and 30 chapters -- approximately 8½ pages per chapter. Some of the intriguing chapter titles include, "Why We Secretly Love to Hate," "Three Ideas That Can Change Your Life," "How Good Is Your Relationship? The Relationship Satisfaction Test," "The Price of Intimacy," "Good Communication vs. Bad Communication," "How We Control Other People," "The Five Secrets of Effective Communication," "The Disarming Technique," "Intimacy Traing for Couples: The One-Minute Drill," Part Five, "Common Traps--How to Avoid Them," and "Positive Reframing: Opening the Door to Intimacy--and Success." You can see, just from the titles, how the information he presents is directly tied to questions, problems, and issues that all couples face. The beauty of the book, however, and the practical, realistic tools Burns offers readers apply to all relationships, whether they are spouse, family, friends, or co-workers. I have always found Burns' approach to readers direct, interesting, warm, and engaging, and his "radically different approach" in this book is labeled "Cognitive Interpersonal Therapy," and if my interpersonal textbook had continued (the seventh edition of it was the last), I would have incorporated his basic principles of CIT in my textbook: 1) "We all provoke and maintain the exact relationship problems that we complain about." 2) "We deny our own role in the conflict because self-examination is so shocking and painful, and because we're secretly rewarded by the problem we're complaining about." 3) "We all have far more power than we think to transform troubled relations--if we're willing to stop blaming the other person and focus instead on changing ourselves" (p. 36). The tables, bulleted points, suggested steps, and examples are helpful, realistic, and worthwhile. For anyone having relationship problems, wanting to avoid relationship problems, or wanting to know what kind of advice to give to others, this is an outstanding choice.
Review by Richard L. Weaver II, Ph.D.
Burns' previous book, Feeling Good, sold over four million copies; this book has the potential of doing the same. It is outstanding. In this 255-page book, there are six parts and 30 chapters -- approximately 8½ pages per chapter. Some of the intriguing chapter titles include, "Why We Secretly Love to Hate," "Three Ideas That Can Change Your Life," "How Good Is Your Relationship? The Relationship Satisfaction Test," "The Price of Intimacy," "Good Communication vs. Bad Communication," "How We Control Other People," "The Five Secrets of Effective Communication," "The Disarming Technique," "Intimacy Traing for Couples: The One-Minute Drill," Part Five, "Common Traps--How to Avoid Them," and "Positive Reframing: Opening the Door to Intimacy--and Success." You can see, just from the titles, how the information he presents is directly tied to questions, problems, and issues that all couples face. The beauty of the book, however, and the practical, realistic tools Burns offers readers apply to all relationships, whether they are spouse, family, friends, or co-workers. I have always found Burns' approach to readers direct, interesting, warm, and engaging, and his "radically different approach" in this book is labeled "Cognitive Interpersonal Therapy," and if my interpersonal textbook had continued (the seventh edition of it was the last), I would have incorporated his basic principles of CIT in my textbook: 1) "We all provoke and maintain the exact relationship problems that we complain about." 2) "We deny our own role in the conflict because self-examination is so shocking and painful, and because we're secretly rewarded by the problem we're complaining about." 3) "We all have far more power than we think to transform troubled relations--if we're willing to stop blaming the other person and focus instead on changing ourselves" (p. 36). The tables, bulleted points, suggested steps, and examples are helpful, realistic, and worthwhile. For anyone having relationship problems, wanting to avoid relationship problems, or wanting to know what kind of advice to give to others, this is an outstanding choice.
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