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Faber: Siblings without Rivalry - How to Help Yo Ur Children Live Tog So You Can Live Too [Hardcover]

A Faber
4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (44 customer reviews)

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Book Description

21 Oct 1987
The award-winning authors of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids will Talk now examine the problems of sibling rivalry in its various forms and offer solutions for parents to promote cooperation amongst their children. Illustrated.

Product details

  • Hardcover: 219 pages
  • Publisher: W. W. Norton & Co. (21 Oct 1987)
  • Language: English
  • ISBN-10: 0393024415
  • ISBN-13: 978-0393024418
  • Product Dimensions: 1.6 x 15 x 22.5 cm
  • Average Customer Review: 4.8 out of 5 stars  See all reviews (44 customer reviews)
  • Amazon Bestsellers Rank: 576,538 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)

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Product Description

Amazon Review

"Helping your children live together so you can live too."
"The fighting drives me up the wall." … "I get along fine with each child individually but when the two of them are together I can't stand either one of them" … "I don't know what will happen first--either they'll kill each other or I'll kill them".

How many of you have felt like this? Be honest with yourselves. Who can remember being at loggerheads with brothers and/or sisters? Who believes that sibling rivalry is something that only happens to other people's children?

It is a widespread problem that involves competition, envy, resentment and personal frustrations to name but a few factors. Where does it all begin? What is the worst about sibling rivalry and, conversely, what is the best about it? If any of these statements strikes a chord, then read this book. It is easy to follow, humorous and sympathetic, illustrated with amusing cartoons and the authors draw on personal experiences and research findings to show ways to teach children how to get along, "to lead rivals towards peace."

The information and advice is practical and down to earth and deals with, among other things, how to resist the urge to compare, how to realise that brothers and sisters need to have their feelings about each other acknowledged and how to handle the fighting.

The main thrust of the book is to treat your children according to their individual needs, rather than absolutely equally: "Children don't need to be treated equally; they need to be treated uniquely", say Faber and Mazish. "Instead of giving equal time, give time according to need" and "Resist the urge to compare" or "Avoid unfavourable comparisons" is their main advice. With such sound, down-to-earth wisdom at the heart of the book, it is easy to see why this was number one on the New York Times best seller list and it is a book which any parent affected by sibling rivalry will find invaluable. --Susan Naylor

About the Book
"A very human book about one of the toughest problems parents have to handle." --Dr Benjamin Spock, author of the renowned Dr Spock's Baby and Child Care

About the Authors
Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish are internationally acclaimed award-winning experts who lecture and create group workshop programmes on adult/child communication. Their books have been printed in 20 languages and have sold more than three million copies. --This text refers to the Paperback edition.


Full of insights and techniques that can help restore harmony in warring households. --Time Out

No peace-loving parent should be without a copy. --Good Housekeeping

One of the ten best parenting books chosen by --The Independent

No peace-loving parent should be without a copy. --Good Housekeeping

Included in Top Ten Parenting Books list. --The Independent --This text refers to the Paperback edition.

Inside This Book (Learn More)
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First Sentence
I secretly believed that sibling rivalry was something that happened to other people's children. Read the first page
Browse Sample Pages
Front Cover | Copyright | Table of Contents | Excerpt | Index | Back Cover
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Customer Reviews

Most Helpful Customer Reviews
34 of 34 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Brilliant insight into sibling relationships! 1 Sep 2005
A wonderful and extremely easy to read book with great and usable tips on how to give your children the best chance of getting along together. No heavy 'text book' style here - it's not even a case of 'sounds good but how could I ever manage to put it into practise?'...
With great illustrations/cartoons, 'Quick reminder' lists at the end of each topic and a good index, it's easy to flick through and find just what you're looking for, without having to read the whole book again (not that having to do that would be a disaster!)
The book also gives adults an insight into their own relationships with their siblings - I've told my mother, sister and husband that they just MUST read it.
On reading the dedication in the front of the book: "To all the grown-up siblings who still have a hurt child inside them.", I knew that this was the book I had been looking for!
Congratulations & thanks to Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish - a brilliant book!!
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151 of 154 people found the following review helpful
It is a truly nerve-jangling experience to see brother and sister constantly at each other. As a parent, one sometimes wishes that they could show just a little less creativity in looking for things to fight about. There's the charge of "It's not fair, he's had more than me" that occasionally makes you feel like getting out rulers, measuring jugs and scales to settle the issue once and for all. However, rarely is anything solved once and for all as they amaze you by finding still more ways of fuelling the strife. Keeping the peace can be tiring, stressful and, worst of all, futile. For you know that no sooner have you settled one dispute, than another one starts five minutes later. Faced with such repetitive scenes, you ask yourself, "Why do they behave like this?" "Why can't they get on?" "Why are they at each other all the time" "Why do I need to spend so much of my time keeping them apart and putting a stop to their squabbles".
Siblings without Rivalry addresses these concerns and offers some practical advice on how to manage and improve things. To start with, the book encourages parents to acknowledge the intense feelings which a child may express even when these feelings sound cruel, harsh, and unloving. On hearing, "I wish Tom had never been born, I hate him", a well-intentioned parent may be tempted to deny ('Oh come on, you don't really mean that!'), preach ('You'll get on better with people if you concentrate on the positive') or ignore ('Let's talk about the nice things you did today'). According to Faber & Mazlish, the most helpful response a parent can give is to avoid such responses and instead simply acknowledge the feelings as the child reports them.
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52 of 53 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Thought provoking and practical. 16 Feb 2005
By Mrs B
I first read this book when my children were 4 and 6, and their relational issues were mostly centred on 'sharing' and 'learning to be gentle'. Many of the issues/situations covered in the book had not yet arisen in our family. Now that they are older, 6 and 8, and the older one has learnt that he can be vicious with his words, and the younger one manipulative with his emotional reactions I have dipped into it again, and it has proved extremely helpful. To start with it has helped me to reflect on my own experiences, growing up with my brother, and the reasons why siblings clash and how parents can make the situation both worse and better. The most positive part of the book is that it helps you, the parent, to help your children take responsibility for handling and expressing their feelings and managing their disagreements. Hopefully these will become valuable skills for their future relationships in life too. I have recommended the book to numerous friends. I recently lent my copy of the book to someone, but I cannot remember who it was, so I have GOT to buy a new one. I'm going to need to refer to it many times over the next few years I feel!
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26 of 28 people found the following review helpful
5.0 out of 5 stars Sanity Saver 22 July 2004
In desperation as a single parent father I bought this book and the other (F&M) one about How to talk so kids will listen.... What a revelation they are. By acknowledging children's feelings and allowing them to talk most of the conflict has gone. By describing rather than bossing around co-operation has increased. It has not been easy and I still have a long way to go but things are a lot more relaxed. By removing the "competing and comparing with each other" part of the sibling relationship much of the brother and sister conflict and fighting has gone. I also found the idea of family meetings really helpful. By getting the children to contribute to the solution there is definitely more co-operation.
I have no hesitation in recommending it. In fact it probably needs to be compulsory for all parents. Also check out their website [...]
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41 of 45 people found the following review helpful
By A Customer
This book has given us so many ideas to try with our three young children (ages 5, 3, and 2 months). I really like the way all of the strategies maintain the dignitiy of both the parent and the child. When I am able to resist "automatic parenting" reactions that aren't working yelling, threatening, criticizing, and bribing and use some of the great suggestions in this book, I feel so much more effective and proud of myself as a parent. Because I have 3 very young children, I would like to also recommend a new pocketsized book that has been extremely helpful to me with my specific sibling issues. Appropriately entitled "The Pocket Parent", it is written exclusively for parents with 2's, 3's, 4's, and 5's. There are a number of pertinent chapters relating to sibs... "the new baby", "comparing and labeling", "sibling rivalry", "hitting and hurting others", "biting", "bad words", "I hate you's", "power struggles", and "traveling with the kids". These two books with exactly the same philosophy compliment each other--both having many great examples of the exact words to use in many sibling situations. One of the best things I learned from both books is to stop trying to "be fair", but instead to try to meet each child's needs. For example, if you tried your best to serve same sized pancakes to the kids and your son immediately screams that his sister's pancakes are much bigger and better than his...instead of going nuts and yelling back that he's absolutely wrong as you take your ruler out to prove just need to take a deep breath and say calmly, "Mmmmm, sounds like you're still hungry, about two more pancakes just for you!! GREAT ADVICE...and it works!!
Also recommended: THE POCKET PARENT
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
5.0 out of 5 stars excellent
everyone who has a sibling or is a parent of more than one child should read this.
Published 6 days ago by Mrs. Z. L. Woodbridge
5.0 out of 5 stars Fantastic book. Highly recommended
Fantastic book. Highly recommended. Get it if you've more than one child or know someone who would like some fab parenting ideas.
Published 10 days ago by Bargain loving mum
4.0 out of 5 stars excellent & reassuring
An insightful and reassuring read... Has truely helped us all have better relationships. Definitely recommend even if everything seems fine - this will help you keep it that way!
Published 2 months ago by T. Foster
5.0 out of 5 stars Great reference for parents who don't want their kids to hate each...
I bought this book when my second child was born. Having grown up in a house where my brother and I hated each other (and we still are not terribly fond of each other! Read more
Published 6 months ago by F. Turner
5.0 out of 5 stars Must Buy!
Like so many other comments I would definitely recommend this book to parents struggling with sibling issues. Read more
Published 6 months ago by Sas
4.0 out of 5 stars better than I thought it would be,
Easy to read and simple techniques with a focused effort from my husband and myself made my house calmer already
Published 12 months ago by Amazon Customer
5.0 out of 5 stars Just the best book ever!
I'm a struggling step mum with 2 boys, 10 and 12, this book has been invaluable, such a help and so comforting!
Published 12 months ago by Ness
5.0 out of 5 stars Great help
I bought this book a long while ago; and I catch myself putting a lot of there ideas into practice. and it works. my daughters have such a great relationship. Read more
Published 13 months ago by mumoflovelyones
5.0 out of 5 stars ace
if you have siblings or have more than one child buy this book. interesting, common sense presented as anecdotes, cartoons and summarised with easy to follow points to help with... Read more
Published 15 months ago by Jen
5.0 out of 5 stars Amazing book
After the toddler years and with a sibling now in the family I was looking for a book to help me through the next stages of childhood and I'm so glad I chose this book. Read more
Published 15 months ago by C. Sanderson
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