Etiquette for Outlaws [Paperback]

Given some of the adult-oriented material in EFO, to say that the book is "tongue-in-cheek" is as much a commentary the book's content as on its tone. No doubt, this book is NC-17. But for adults who occasionally indulge their baser urges, or want to, or those who wonder about those who do... EFO is for you. If Disneyland was an adult theme park, then EFO would be its "Small World" ride, and I can only imagine what the little dolls would be wearing (or not wearing) and what they might be singing, or ... egad... doing.

But get beyond the shock-value, and EFO is truly informative. That Cohen and Wolloch thoroughly researched their subject matter is clear. They bring the best of Gen X wit and razor insight to bear on topics as weighty as suicide etiquette and as lighthearted as Rock-n-Roll groupies. There are laughs here, and information. Oh, and the pics and charts are a riot... recognize anyone? I did. "Gee, Mom, I never would have thought you were into that!"

Get this book. Read it first for a laugh. Then read it for insight. Then remember: if you can't be good, at least have good form.

Ever wonder how much you should tip a hooker? Or how to avoid a DUI?

Oh, admit it. You're curious about what life is like on the bad side of town!

Pros
When it's good, it's very good

Cons
but when it's bad, it's horrid.

Life in the American "underworld" is fascinating to Americans who live above it. This is why Mafia movies are so popular. The underworld is where people disregard the law and develop their own culture and rules for behavior.

This book promises to reveal all of the naughty secrets of the underworld and provide some insight about etiquette and proper behavior for the outlaws who live there. Unfortunately, the book doesn't quite live up to the promise, mostly because the publisher would not allow them to treat the subject as irreverently as it was meant to be treated.

The Writing
First of all, the book could have been better written. While the authors have the writing and marketing skills to produce this book, they don't really have the talent to cover the subject matter in a compelling or entertaining way. It's not that they didn't try to entertain. When you read this book, cover your head and watch for jokes falling flat. There's one on every page.

(Okay, okay, the jokes are occasionally funny.)

The other problem I have with the authors' style is that they are obviously writing for an audience of men. Perhaps the reason I didn't think the jokes were funny is because I don't have a penis. The writers do at times attempt to cover the female viewpoint, but usually they simply apologize for giving only the male perspective and move on. If a woman had co-authored this book, it would have been a very different--and far better--piece of work.

The Illustrations
The cover art is great: cartoon-style depictions of strippers, head-bangers, gamblers, and drinkers. The photographs inside the book range from painfully bad to cheesy. In the chapter about bars and pool tables, for instance, there is a dark grainy photograph of the corner of a pool table that looks like it was taken accidentally by a drunk person tripping over the carpet while staggering across the floor, gripping his Polaroid in one hand and his beer in the other as he lurched and stumbled his way to the bathroom to yarf. I suppose the picture was included for the five adults in the country who don't know what a pool table looks like. None of the pictures are remarkably good or well-planned. It seems clear that the authors finished their manuscript and then decided they better put some pictures in.

The REAL Problem
The real disappointment about Etiquette for Outlaws, though is the sad way that the publishers (for legal and liability reasons, I'm sure) forced the writers to water it down and to include warnings, disclaimers and cautions in every chapter. When you open the book, the first thing you come to is "A Word From Our Lawyers" and you can immediately get a feel for how freaked out the publishers were about releasing this subject matter to the mindless masses. The writers make a game attempt to make it funny, but the constant reminders about the legality and the stupidity of the behaviors described in this book will irritate anyone with any common sense at all. The people who need these warnings and reminders don't read books!

The Content
"Etiquette for Outlaws" is divided into seven chapters:

I. Traditional Vices - what the authors call "the basics." This includes booze, cigarettes, cigars, pipes, gambling and strip clubs. The sections on drinking and gambling are boring. They probably should have been left out completely. Is there really any mystery associated with the proper etiquette of drinking? Either you know how to handle your booze or you don't. And if you don't...again, you're probably not the kind of person who reads books.

As for gambling, if you are the kind of person who's interested in knowing whether it's polite to play three slot machines at a time or how to correctly place your bet at a craps table, you probably gamble enough to already know these things. If you don't gamble enough to know the ins and outs of a casino, it's probably because you're not into it and you'd just be bored by this section of the book, as I was.

II. Sex - covers basic sex, porn, cybersex, alternative sex and swinging. Here's where the good stuff begins. No problems with this chapter, although a female perspective would have been nice.

III. The Accessories - tattoos, piercing, wheels, guns, knives, meat, and leather and fur. This chapter has some interesting stuff about tattoos and piercings.

The chapter on bikers is lame. It reads like a motorcycle safety pamphlet at the County DMV Office. This is not the stuff a typical person wants to know about the biker lifestyle. If the authors couldn't get the goods on Hell's Angels, they should have just left this section out instead of trying to fake it.

I have no clue why there are sections on meat, leather and fur in this book. Having grown up in Texas I have never found eating meat to be an underworld lifestyle. The meat section of this chapter deals with proper ways to deal with vegetarians when they rag on you about eating meat. I've never seen a real live vegetarian, but according to this book they are prone to say things to you while you are scarfing down a hamburger, like "Eating meat perpetuates a cycle of violence toward animals," and "That animal you're eating once had a face and a beating heart."

Someday I would truly like to meet a vegetarian who would say these things to a Texan gnawing on a barbecued rib. I'm afraid I would actually ask to see the size of his nards, because it would surely take a grand pair to say such a thing out loud in Texas.

The gun section is simply a gun-safety brochure with several smart-asss jokes thrown in to try and make it interesting. Anyone who doesn't already know these simple gun safety tips is not the type to read a book, so this information is wasted here. Besides, what does gun safety have to do with being an outlaw??

IV. The Lifestyle - covers basic street etiquette, fighting, jokes, crapping, farting, burping, masturbating, and music scenes. Nothing remarkable here. The inclusion of the body function sections is a good indicator that this book was written by men for men. Where's the section on menstrual etiquette? Is it rude to ask a stranger to borrow a tampon if you're in a pinch? Is it acceptable to admit to being on the rag in mixed company? Is it okay to stash a few fem-hy products at your boyfriend's house for an emergency or to mark your territory? The answers to these questions would be much more interesting to me than whether or not it's polite to make potty noises in a public restroom or what to do if you fart audibly while having sex.

V. The Professionals - proper etiquette for porn stars and visitors on the set of a porn movie, etiquette for rock stars, groupies, street gangs, graffiti artists, prostitutes and BDSM.

VI. The Aftermath - what to do when you've gone too far. This chapter covers rehab, jail, court, homelessness and suicide.

VII. Travel - some very interesting material on the favorite travel destinations of the underworld, such as Tijuana, Amsterdam, Cuba, Bangkok, and sex on a commercial airline (joining the mile-high club).

I don't want to give too much of a negative review of this book. I did enjoy reading it and I would recommend it to others. But sadly it is not what it could have been.

According to its back cover, Etiquette for Outlaws promises to teach you how to live it up in style with tips on tattoos, graffiti, suicide, motorcycles, gambling, strip clubs, piercing and more. But a word to the wise reader: take this book as tongue in cheek, because that's what it is. Maybe the title is not quite accurate. One can't help but to think that the publishers did some heavy-handed censoring, forcing the authors to tone it down. Too bad.

The authors cover a variety of presumably "outlaw" topics such as how to avoid a DUI, how to tip a hooker, how not to look like a schmuck at the blackjack tables, etc. But the writing is pretty weak and a lot of the jokes and bon mots seem forced at times, while other times they're just not funny at all.

Most of the advice should be common sense for the sane person, i.e. when you gamble, expect to lose money. I'm sure any would-be outlaw or anyone who has been to Vegas already knows that. You don't need this book to tell you.

› Go to Amazon.com to see all 32 reviews  3.7 out of 5 stars