Empty Nest, The [Hardcover]

As a parent who actually raised kids in a real nest, I can identify better than most with the empty nest syndrome, that feeling of emptiness and loss when the kids finally leave to set up their own nests, or homes.

We all know it's coming. From the day they're hatched, or born, we know that our job is to prepare them to face the world on their own, and our lives end up taking a back seat to theirs. So when that day comes, whether they're going off to school, or war, or prison, or moving out, or becoming transcendental beings of pure energy, we feel a seething mix of conflicted emotions, including joy and sadness; relief and worry; pride and loss; gumption and envy; and indifference and mania, among others.

The 31 essays in "The Empty Nest: 31 Parents Tell the Truth About Relationships, Love, and Freedom After the Kids Fly the Coop" let you relive those feelings and share in the community of parents who have all gone through the separation process, well, except for those parents who still have adult children living with them. Stabiner, the editor of this wonderful collection, provides her own story of letting go of her daughter as she hung precariously over the cliff's edge... of life.

"The Empty Nest" mixes the accounts of accomplished writers with those of unknowns, providing a wide range of experiences with the balance toward the mother's perspective, although fathers also have their say and even one non-parent, Harry Shearer, who I suppose has always had an empty nest but nonetheless manages to bring a perspective on children that both parents and non-parents can appreciate.

Will you find humor in these essays? Plenty. Heartbreak? Check. Moments of simple poignancy? Of course. Surprising insight coming from a candid reflection on the vicissitudes of life? Yep. The only thing you won't find is a false note or bloody ninja battles--which you might have gotten if Stabiner had asked a ninja parent, but wisely didn't.

It's not all good times, however, as some parents admit to uncovering strains in the relationship that were suppressed by the presence of kids, and others who find the loss of the parental identity so disorienting that they feel adrift in the sea of people with identities. But the writers of these essays show their resiliency as they cope with the new struggles and freedom from not having to constantly put worms in their young'uns' mouths.

So who should read "The Empty Nest"? Parents whose kids have moved on? Yes. Parents whose kids still roost at home? Couldn't hurt. Singletons who are curious to know what it feels like to depart with kids they will never have? Sure, why not. Kids who have left the nest? Might give a better understanding of what the folks are going through. Kids who have yet to leave the nest? Might give you a leg up on your folk's future emotional state the better to manipulate them. Kids who can't yet read? Probably a waste of time. The rest of humanity? Yes! What finer metaphor for the human condition could there be than that moment when you say good-bye to the kids knowing you've done your part to continue the species, assuming anyone would want to mate with those neurotic, clingy, unstable people who once made your life an interminable nightmare?

The strength of family relationships is as American as baseball and apple pie. And Karen Stabiner has assembled an extraordinary collection of essays that would pull at the heartstrings of even the most stoic of us. These stories of transition, told by parents facing the empty nest, resonated at many levels. From the son who pushed his Mom away so he would be free to individuate to the daughter for whom it was too painful to move away from home, this engaging book provides something for just about everyone.

The authors, writing about both their practical and emotional concerns, put the reader directly in the moment and into their process of separation from their children. For me it was a reminder of that chapter of my life - and of how much our relationships have changed, once again, now that our children are married with families of their own. Besides being extremely entertaining, this book normalized my feelings and validated my experience of that time of life.

Storytelling is really the best teacher. Humor and wisdom, pathos and advice were sprinkled throughout the essays. Short stories often leave me flat, ending before they go deep enough. But not these. As a collection, they manage to say it all. If you're a Baby Boomer parent, getting over the sadness of separation and enjoying being truly free for the first time in years, don't get too comfortable. Before too long, your emerging adult children could be boomeranging back home.

My son will not be going off to college for another year, but he went to a 3 week program "far away" at the beginning of the summer, and this book's title appealed to me. I've since sent it to two friends in similar situations, and it's quite the hit. The various writers examine all aspects of the empty nest experience, and present all kinds of emotional responses. Reading this made me feel anything but empty. It's fantastic, encouraging and uplifting.