Disarming the Narcissist: Surviving and Thriving with the Self-absorbed [Paperback]

I bought this book because my ex is a paid up narcissist and, as a psychologist myself with a grounding in CBT and a familiarity with both schema therapy and Jeffery Young's book (something frequently referred to by the author), I thought this book came with good credentials. I have to be honest at this point that I haven't read it cover to cover to yet, because it has yet to engage me, but I have speed read my way through.

However, my gut reaction was such that I wanted to write a review. Personally this book seems based on a dangerous premise - that it's good to see the world from the narcissist's point of view and that you can help them to change. In my opinion narcissists are excellent at seeing the world from their own point of view anyway and I think that sympathy and empathy for them is potentially quite harmful for the sympathiser. It keeps you where they want you - involved with them. Furthermore, narcissists are notoriously reluctant to engage in the process of change - why should they when they're so great anyway?

Whilst I can see the utility of giving people strategies for dealing with the unavoidable narcissists in their lives (close relatives, co-parents, colleagues etc), I think there's a lot to be said for the mantra of a lot of survivors' groups out there of simply getting as far away from any avoidable narcissists as you can (and that would include partners and supposed friends). Ms. Behary seems to give a lot of examples of interactions with the latter group in which the non-narcissist is supposed to be empathic for the narcissist's plight and help them on the road to change. Personality Disorder is rightly conceptualised as a continuum and if we're talking about people who are on the milder end of the narcissistic continuum, then that might be appropriate, but if you are involved with someone at the more extreme end, I think you could waste a lot of your time - and your life - atempting to put these ideas into action. CBT therapists are very good at data collection; personally before I bought into Ms Behary's approach, I'd like to know outcome statistics and the degree of narcissism of her clients.

If you're looking at books like this, I'd recommend "Why is it always about you?" by Sandy Hotchkiss. If you're interested in a CBT approach to narcissism, check out the last chapter of Jeffrey Young's book, "Reinventing your life" on entitlement schemata - this resonated for me. You might also find "The sociopath next door" by Martha Stout or "Without conscience" by Robert Hare useful. In my experience, hard core narcissists can behave very much like sociopaths and it can be useful to work out the differences. Apart from that, if you can, I wouldn't bother trying to help someone to change - let the narcissist get on with their entirely self centred life, whilst you make a better life for yourself.

This is the second book on narcissism that I have read recently, the other being Hotchkiss'.

I agree with the previous reviewer on the book's premise, and its danger: I too often feel asked to adopt the narcissist's perspective. This is different, though, from understanding the narcissist, the focus of Behary's book. While adopting the perspective demanded in an argument may be a prelude to giving up on one's own, understanding the narcissist, and oneself, may be the first step in understanding how to act wisely.

Nevertheless, the book is silent on the fundamental question: what is the evidence on the likelihood of change for a narcissist? Trying to understanding how to wisely engage with a narcissist may be of limited value if this chance is small enough.

Overall, I found Behary's book more substantial than Hotchkiss'. I would have liked to know more, if possible, on the neurochemistry of the narcissists themselves, not just those who deal with narcissists: is there any evidence that narcissism is susceptible to chemical treatments, for example? I would have also appreciated a more level treatment of the other clinicians mentioned in the book, whose mention often felt like book endorsements for them: rather than just listing pages of schema, mention of their empirical validity would have also been appreciated.

I felt the book gave lots of tips on healthy communication, but I found it clashed with my belief that anyone with healthy self esteem would end a relationship with a toxic person, not work on ways to make the abusive behaviours more tolerable. Good for anyone with their heart set on staying with a narcissist, but not for anyone wanting to work on their self worth to avoid such people.