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Most Helpful Customer Reviews
Format:DVD
Death Row is nothing but another unoriginal and unsatisfying "haunted prison" movie. If it's distinguished for anything, it's the terrible special effects that give all the ghosts a bizarrely ludicrous "Shocker" treatment. The story's a dud, the acting is pretty bad (especially when characters have their "the evil prison made me do it" personality changes), and the obvious attempt to appeal to gore hounds does more harm than good. The unrealistic gore won't satisfy true gore hounds at all, and it will just turn other viewers away. As for the ending, the writers obviously just pulled it right out of their "you know what." This gives me every impression of a horror film made by someone who doesn't understand horror films. Sure, it looks easy: add ghosts, victims, and clueless young people together and stir, throw in some gore for seasoning, and you've got a horror movie. I'm sorry, but that just doesn't work. Death Row (also known as the even more unimaginatively titled Haunted Prison) offers an abundance of evidence for why the Sy-Fy channel has no business trying to make horror movies.
So these college kids are making a documentary about the infamous Isla de la Roca Penitentiary off the Texas coast, its infamy well-earned by a riot that makes the worst prison riot in actual history look like a simple misunderstanding. The "evil" prison has been abandoned for years, but wouldn't you know it? The same night our little Scooby gang heads up there to film, a gang of murderous jewel thieves decide it's the perfect place to lay low for a day or two, especially since one of them is suffering from the most painful and debilitating flesh wound in the history of the world. Once everyone's in place, the prison comes alive, locks the place down where no one can escape, and lets all the ridiculous-looking ghosts make hay with their unexpected visitors.
At least a couple of the death scenes are somewhat imaginative, but - in terms of execution - they are as fake as a ten dollar Rolex. They're not as hopelessly unrealistic as the ghosts themselves, though. The filmmakers had a lot of people go all out trying to look sick and sadistic, but their over-the-top shenanigans and the horribly goofy CGI effects applied to their appearance are only capable of generating derisive laughter. Then they cap it all of with patently ridiculous ending. If incompetent filmmaking were a crime, these filmmakers would all be on Death Row.
So these college kids are making a documentary about the infamous Isla de la Roca Penitentiary off the Texas coast, its infamy well-earned by a riot that makes the worst prison riot in actual history look like a simple misunderstanding. The "evil" prison has been abandoned for years, but wouldn't you know it? The same night our little Scooby gang heads up there to film, a gang of murderous jewel thieves decide it's the perfect place to lay low for a day or two, especially since one of them is suffering from the most painful and debilitating flesh wound in the history of the world. Once everyone's in place, the prison comes alive, locks the place down where no one can escape, and lets all the ridiculous-looking ghosts make hay with their unexpected visitors.
At least a couple of the death scenes are somewhat imaginative, but - in terms of execution - they are as fake as a ten dollar Rolex. They're not as hopelessly unrealistic as the ghosts themselves, though. The filmmakers had a lot of people go all out trying to look sick and sadistic, but their over-the-top shenanigans and the horribly goofy CGI effects applied to their appearance are only capable of generating derisive laughter. Then they cap it all of with patently ridiculous ending. If incompetent filmmaking were a crime, these filmmakers would all be on Death Row.
Format:DVD
Plot. An abandoned prison where a TV crew are making a documentary has also attracted a gang of criminals on the run.
This film doesn't require too much thought because the very nature of the plot warrants the deaths of the bad guys who "deserve" a bad end. The way the deaths are presented is therefore what we would be looking at and maybe the highlights of the film. However for some reason they were not as impressive as they could have been. Many were clever with the visuals that showed us "ghosts" of the inmates who hadn't moved on, but it was like watching PG events in an adult environment. There were a lot of exciting moments with frantic scenes of mayhem but it was far too weak overall to be a higher rating's worth of entertainment. A lot more blood and gore would have helped so while interesting enough it gets a 3 due to the extra features.
Extras include a com, making of, stills and trailers. USA Release Region 1.
Also released on UK but i don't know if it has any extras.
This film doesn't require too much thought because the very nature of the plot warrants the deaths of the bad guys who "deserve" a bad end. The way the deaths are presented is therefore what we would be looking at and maybe the highlights of the film. However for some reason they were not as impressive as they could have been. Many were clever with the visuals that showed us "ghosts" of the inmates who hadn't moved on, but it was like watching PG events in an adult environment. There were a lot of exciting moments with frantic scenes of mayhem but it was far too weak overall to be a higher rating's worth of entertainment. A lot more blood and gore would have helped so while interesting enough it gets a 3 due to the extra features.
Extras include a com, making of, stills and trailers. USA Release Region 1.
Also released on UK but i don't know if it has any extras.
Most Helpful Customer Reviews on Amazon.com (beta)
Amazon.com:
11 reviews
6 of 6 people found the following review helpful
Fun movie
24 Aug 2007
Format:DVD|Amazon Verified Purchase
This is about a group of jewel thieves who hide out at a prison, while at the same time a group of young film makers show up to film a documentary there. Little do they know the place is haunted, and the ghosts are rather bloodthirsty. Overall, I thought this was a really fun movie. The characters are excellent, with lots of personality and they're all quite likable. The action moves along at a fast pace and kept me interested. Lots of hot babes as well!
For a low budget horror movie, this one is very entertaining and a lot of fun.
For a low budget horror movie, this one is very entertaining and a lot of fun.
5 of 5 people found the following review helpful
Four Words You Never Want to Hear; "A Sci-Fi Channel Original"
27 Oct 2008
Format:DVD
It's my own fault for not doing the proper research. I should have known better than to trust a handful of amazon.com reviews that I skimmed over. If I had ever seen those 4 words, I would have never plopped down my $5 for this really mediocre film. In all fairness, had I caught this while channel surfing I might have hung around out of morbid curiosity. But I didn't. I actually bought this turd. So, in an effort to convince myself that it has a twinge of merit and I didn't waste my money, I'm going to attempt to write an unbiased and fair review of "Death Row" (and my name is Napoleon Bonaparte).
-13 GHOSTS JUNIOR.
This feels a lot like "13 Ghosts" without the fair acting and cool house or the ok visual FX. Well, that pretty much describes anything of value from "13 Ghosts" doesn't it? As ridiculous as the story of "13 Ghosts" is, the one thing it had going for it was originality. I don't mean to imply that it's a great story, but the idea is at least unique. "Death Row" is lacking anything that could be describes as "Original". If you've ever seen a film with annoying people, brutal deaths and cruddy ghosts then you've seen this. Oh, and as an added surprise, only the virtuous survive (whatever that truly means); clever huh?
-CAN WE PLEASE HAVE CHARACTORS WE CARE ABOUT!?!?
Is it so difficult to have some likeable characters in a horror movie? Why must all the characters be so flawed or annoying that death can't come too soon? Whatever happened to actually trying to get us to worry about the characters? Well guess what; you want all these people to die, and you get a lot of them. In fact not only do we get a group of jewel thieves using the derelict old prison as a hideout, but we conveniently get a college crew, trying to make a documentary about the prison, show up without permission. High jinx and hilarity ensue, not. Not to be forgotten is Stacy Keach's performance as the former prison guard and inmate (explain to me how that ever happens). He presides over the best part of the film as he tells the story of how the prison became abandoned. We hear him tell the story while seeing what actually happened; they are rarely the same thing.
-BOO!!
What, that didn't scare you? Well neither will these ghosts. Looking as though they came straight from the "Haunted Mansion", the inmate ghosts were the worst kind of visual trickery. Basically, they looked like bad zombie actors painted over with off-the-shelf digital filters. The overall effect is a sort of Photoshop meets Casper; obviously digital and not at all scary.
-CHOICE CUTS OF MEAT AND A SHOWER SCENE.
Sorry, that shower scene is a big letdown. The hot dish is washing sewage off of herself while still mostly dressed; yea, a big turn-on. However, if there is any redemption for this film, it is in the creative kills. Some very new and messy methods of deceased-ifying people have been concocted here. Some of these scenes are just silly and implausible but I had to give credit for them even being attempted. That said; we're talking about a cumulative 15 minutes of footage that might entertain you. The rest is just awful.
-A VIRTUOUS ACT OF SELFLESSNESS.
If you're like me and hate nearly every horror film the Sci-fi channel has a hand in then this review is indeed a selfless act. For enduring this film and warning you I should be spared from the wrath of the digital ghosts and be granted reprieve from damnation that is "a Sci-fi Channel original". If you happen to bump into this on TV and have nothing more enjoyable to do, like clean your gutters, then watch it for the creative and brutal kills (though they will probably be edited out). Otherwise, steer clear of "Death Row"; it is a bad place to be.
Story........2 stars
Characters...2 stars
Gore.........3.5 stars
Originality..1.5 stars
Average 2.25 stars
-13 GHOSTS JUNIOR.
This feels a lot like "13 Ghosts" without the fair acting and cool house or the ok visual FX. Well, that pretty much describes anything of value from "13 Ghosts" doesn't it? As ridiculous as the story of "13 Ghosts" is, the one thing it had going for it was originality. I don't mean to imply that it's a great story, but the idea is at least unique. "Death Row" is lacking anything that could be describes as "Original". If you've ever seen a film with annoying people, brutal deaths and cruddy ghosts then you've seen this. Oh, and as an added surprise, only the virtuous survive (whatever that truly means); clever huh?
-CAN WE PLEASE HAVE CHARACTORS WE CARE ABOUT!?!?
Is it so difficult to have some likeable characters in a horror movie? Why must all the characters be so flawed or annoying that death can't come too soon? Whatever happened to actually trying to get us to worry about the characters? Well guess what; you want all these people to die, and you get a lot of them. In fact not only do we get a group of jewel thieves using the derelict old prison as a hideout, but we conveniently get a college crew, trying to make a documentary about the prison, show up without permission. High jinx and hilarity ensue, not. Not to be forgotten is Stacy Keach's performance as the former prison guard and inmate (explain to me how that ever happens). He presides over the best part of the film as he tells the story of how the prison became abandoned. We hear him tell the story while seeing what actually happened; they are rarely the same thing.
-BOO!!
What, that didn't scare you? Well neither will these ghosts. Looking as though they came straight from the "Haunted Mansion", the inmate ghosts were the worst kind of visual trickery. Basically, they looked like bad zombie actors painted over with off-the-shelf digital filters. The overall effect is a sort of Photoshop meets Casper; obviously digital and not at all scary.
-CHOICE CUTS OF MEAT AND A SHOWER SCENE.
Sorry, that shower scene is a big letdown. The hot dish is washing sewage off of herself while still mostly dressed; yea, a big turn-on. However, if there is any redemption for this film, it is in the creative kills. Some very new and messy methods of deceased-ifying people have been concocted here. Some of these scenes are just silly and implausible but I had to give credit for them even being attempted. That said; we're talking about a cumulative 15 minutes of footage that might entertain you. The rest is just awful.
-A VIRTUOUS ACT OF SELFLESSNESS.
If you're like me and hate nearly every horror film the Sci-fi channel has a hand in then this review is indeed a selfless act. For enduring this film and warning you I should be spared from the wrath of the digital ghosts and be granted reprieve from damnation that is "a Sci-fi Channel original". If you happen to bump into this on TV and have nothing more enjoyable to do, like clean your gutters, then watch it for the creative and brutal kills (though they will probably be edited out). Otherwise, steer clear of "Death Row"; it is a bad place to be.
Story........2 stars
Characters...2 stars
Gore.........3.5 stars
Originality..1.5 stars
Average 2.25 stars
5 of 5 people found the following review helpful
Wait, Kevin van Hook made a watchable movie?
25 Mar 2008
Format:DVD
Haunted Prison (Kevin van Hook, 2006)
I should know better by now than to watch Kevin van Hook movies, but van Hook is the Uwe Boll of Sci-Fi Original Movies: I just can't not watch. That said, Haunted Prison (aka Death Row), van Hook's most recent (as of this writing) release, is by far the best of his movies; could it be that he's learning from his painful earlier mistakes? (Step one: do not, under any circumstances, cast Casper van Dien in the lead role of your movie.)
This one gives us two groups descending upon an abandoned prison: first are a crew of criminals, headed by the insane Marco (Jake Busey), on the lam after a jewelry store heist gone bad. Second are a group of college kids making a documentary about the prison. The opening scene, which is the best work van Hook has ever done, is told in flashback as the college kids interview Elias (Stacy Keach), a guard who was at the prison when the riot that closed it down happened. There's an amusing dichotomy between the story he narrates and the story we actually see. Cut to the criminals getting to the prison, and the ghosts of the restless dead getting all uppity now that they have fresh blood to prey upon. Cut to the college kids getting there. The meat buffet is open, folks.
After that first scene, the movie becomes your basic supernatural slasher movie, but van Hook actually has some real actors to work with here (aside from Keach and Busey, we have General Hospital's Claire Coffey, A History of Violence's Kyle Schmid, Danny Trejo, and some others you might recognize), and they breathe life into van Hook's script, which, while still mediocre, is quite strong given the pen it came from. The wit is actually witty now and again! The ghost effects borrow a great deal from the Ther13en Ghosts remake from a few years back, but the ghost effects were one of the best things about that movie, and van Hook uses them to good effect here. This is the movie that actually makes me look forward to what Kevin van Hook is going to do next-- and that's a sentiment I thought I could never express. ** ½
I should know better by now than to watch Kevin van Hook movies, but van Hook is the Uwe Boll of Sci-Fi Original Movies: I just can't not watch. That said, Haunted Prison (aka Death Row), van Hook's most recent (as of this writing) release, is by far the best of his movies; could it be that he's learning from his painful earlier mistakes? (Step one: do not, under any circumstances, cast Casper van Dien in the lead role of your movie.)
This one gives us two groups descending upon an abandoned prison: first are a crew of criminals, headed by the insane Marco (Jake Busey), on the lam after a jewelry store heist gone bad. Second are a group of college kids making a documentary about the prison. The opening scene, which is the best work van Hook has ever done, is told in flashback as the college kids interview Elias (Stacy Keach), a guard who was at the prison when the riot that closed it down happened. There's an amusing dichotomy between the story he narrates and the story we actually see. Cut to the criminals getting to the prison, and the ghosts of the restless dead getting all uppity now that they have fresh blood to prey upon. Cut to the college kids getting there. The meat buffet is open, folks.
After that first scene, the movie becomes your basic supernatural slasher movie, but van Hook actually has some real actors to work with here (aside from Keach and Busey, we have General Hospital's Claire Coffey, A History of Violence's Kyle Schmid, Danny Trejo, and some others you might recognize), and they breathe life into van Hook's script, which, while still mediocre, is quite strong given the pen it came from. The wit is actually witty now and again! The ghost effects borrow a great deal from the Ther13en Ghosts remake from a few years back, but the ghost effects were one of the best things about that movie, and van Hook uses them to good effect here. This is the movie that actually makes me look forward to what Kevin van Hook is going to do next-- and that's a sentiment I thought I could never express. ** ½
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