Conan the Barbarian - Double Play (Blu-ray + DVD)

Conan the Barbarian provides a simple but effective movie of violence, gore, and scenery-chewing acting that will amuse you if you like that sort of thing, but annoy you if you prefer films with a bit of ambition.

The storyline is unashamedly straight-forward: we meet a young boy with a talent for violence living in a simple village, before an evil bad guy turns up looking for a magical item, and has his henchmen slaughter everyone. The rest of the movie sees the grown-up Conan finding his enemy again, meeting a girl, slaughtering his way through the henchmen, ending with the climatic showdown with the bad guy.
There's nothing wrong with a simple plot, provided the movie plays it well, and overall it works. Jason Momoa looks the part as Conan and chews out his gruff lines reasonably well, and the rest of the cast are fine. Ron Perlman is the standout cast member as the father of young Conan.

It's hard to discuss this movie without referencing either the original books of Robert E. Howard, or the 1982 movie starring Arnold Swartzenegger. This version claims to be closer to the books, and I think they've succeeded. However, many watchers won't have read the books, and I think the opening narration of the history of Cimmeria will leave some scratched heads, while Conan leading a band of pirates will get some bemused looks. The movie does a good job of distancing itself from the Arnie version, but I don't think Momoa can go down as the definitive Conan, not least because the script doesn't give him any really standout lines.

The bad guy and his henchmen deserve a special mention. There's a thin line between being distinctive and menacing, and being downright silly, or even camp. Here, Kalar Zym is seeking the power of an ancient group of necromancers, aided by his daughter and a bizarre bunch of henchmen who he subdued during his long search. The henchmen are very distinctive, and Conan faces each one in turn during his hunt, providing some good fight scenes. Kalar Zym is a generic bad guy, played as a typical scenery-chewing madman, but surprisingly gets some actual character development when we learn what set him off on this quest. However, his daughter Marique doesn't just cross the line, but hurdles it and keeps going. Her costumes are bizarre, including metal talons on one hand, and she hisses, sulks and camps her way through the movie. Luckily, the movie can carry one utterly mad character, and she certainly isn't boring to watch.

This movie is a 15 certificate, possibly because of a surprising number of topless women, but probably because of the absolute bucketloads of gore and blood. People don't just get stabbed, they are slashed, chopped, and hacked, with a twist of the sword in their guts for good measure. The fight scenes are very well done, and I'm glad they avoided taking the stylised 300 route, because there have been too many weak imitations of that movie. However, the editing seems too choppy in many places, no doubt aiming for a frantic style.

I particularly appreciated the design of the movie. For one thing, they've clearly avoiding using CGi for the sake of it, and have actually bothered to make some real sets. There is some CGi, the best use of which is in a fight scene with Conan vs. a horde of men summoned from the sands beneath his feet. The locations and cities are well designed, and help give a feel of a well-imagined fantasy world. The oddest item in the movie is that the bad guy had a ship being carried around by a herd of CGi elephants. I have no idea why, and every time I saw it I just had to chuckle. The movie generally looked good, though.

I'm giving this movie four stars because, for me, this was a fun movie with an iconic main character, and I enjoyed watching it. However, it has no ambition to be anything other than a simple swords-and-sorcery tale, and if you prefer your movies to have any sort of intelligence, plotting, or more than basic acting, I'd chop a few stars off that rating.

Well, sadly it's nowhere near as good as the original - but then was it ever goings to be? I mean, really - who else could ever fill Conan's hide boots once they've been worn by Arnie?

With that in mind, all you can hope for is that this film isn't dire - which it isn't... But it's not far off. It starts out OK, but ends up in Pirates of the Carribean territory and feeling very 'join the dots' make a movie by numbers.

The film starts well, and I didn't mind the new Conan as much as I thought I would (except for his stupid skirt-like costume) but the quality of the film slowly slips with every passing scene.

Eventually the production values fade, with sets, costumes and effects all ending up looking cheap with the story lacking in the original ideas that where there at the start. It seems Conan the Barbarian can't keep it up.

It started strong but lost steam almost right away and what we're left with is a film like every other action flick with a bit of sword play in, except this time the guy with the sword is called Conan. We've seen it all before (and probably better).

Overall, a completely passable film you can quite happily sit and watch, but sadly it fails to excite in any way. A real shame given the rich tapestry of Conan stories and all the material they had to work with... Not to mention the original films which surely they had to try and better. Otherwise, why bother?

Just for the hell of it I'm going to leave you with my favourite Conan quote from the original film:
'Conan, what is best in life?'
'To crush your enemies. See them driven before you. And to hear the lamentation of their women.'

Now you can't argue with that! But sadly, this Conan won't be crushing or driving away anything - it only gets a 6 or a 7 out of 10 overall from me.

I have deliberately not read any of the other reviews of this film, to avoid being influenced one way or the other - so apologies if I do end up merely repeating what others have to say.

First of all, Jason Momoa was an excellent Conan. One of the things that the writers of this movie did well was to create a Conan closer to R.E.Howard's character than Schwarzenegger ever was in the 1982 film. Momoa was not a grunting neanderthal, and there was even some dialogue that reminded us what a Hyborian "barbarian" was supposed to be. Momoa also scored as far as his physique was concerned. It isn't really fair to make comparisons with the Schwarzenegger film, but Arnold was, to be honest, far too bulky. Conan is tall, muscled and immensely strong, of course, but he is also lithe and quick - he spent time as a thief, for goodness' sake! Momoa's physique was impressive without making his quick reflexes and fancy footwork unbelievable. I felt that he hit the right note in terms of expressiveness, as well - yes, he did broody and laconic well; but at the same time he was able to smile and laugh, just as Conan should be able to do.

The production design was superb, and I felt it (mostly) imagined the Hyborian world well. I only had two grumbles: first, that when Conan returned to Cimmeria at the end of the film it was clearly far too warm(!); and second, that we never saw enough of the Hyborian cities - too much time spent in the countryside or amongst ruins, and not enough time in the teeming cities that characterise many of the original stories.

Ron Perlman was excellent as Conan's father; the villains were pretty good (although Rose McGowan was a bit limp and the heroine, Tamara, was a bit character-less). The boy who played the young Conan was superb - extremely well cast, and well acted.

Unfortunately, the story was so stale that I cannot give the film five stars. Why re-hash the plot of the 1982 film? The best Conan stories were those written by R.E.Howard, his creator, and yet the writers felt they had to make it the same old "revenge for killing his family" plot. So tired, so boring.

The screenplay was good in parts, but execrable in others. Some of the editing was poor, especially at the end, which was a shame, because otherwise I thought the film looked brilliant.

Overall, I did enjoy this film, even though I have reservations. I sincerely hope that they do make a sequel with Mamoa reprising the role of Conan, and hopefully they will go back to some of the original source material ("Red Nails", perhaps, or "Beyond the Black River" - or even some of the later, sanctioned stories by De Camp and Carter - "Conan the Buccaneer" would translate well to film).

I cannot give it five stars, but I am happy to award it four. Even if you are a Conan purist, I don't think you could be so mean as to dislike it too much!