Conan the Barbarian [1981] [DVD]

Most things beloved of your childhood are rarely as captivating when viewed once more through adult eyes. I remember sneaking out of my bedroom late at night to watch this film, and being bowled over by its fantastical world. It inspired me to track down the original Howard short stories, and set a young boy on a path to, well, an unfashionable love of fantasy in general.

So I had some misgivings in approaching this film on DVD, especially given its lead star. What I found was a film that has survived extraordinarily well over the years, and in fact delivers as much for the adult as it did for the child. The story, whilst a condensation of Howard's writings, does well to capture the spirit of his heroic tales, leading you through some fantastical landscapes that come alive in simply stunning cinematography . The cast is solid, and Arnie is every inch the wild barbarian, all strength and instinct. The film uses special effects sparingly, and so has kept most of its imaginative power. Finally, the score by Basil Poledouris is probably one of the most fitting I have heard, and well worth buying separately on CD.

Fantasy films are rarely great works of cinema, but Conan is perhaps better appreciated now it has gained some distance from its source material and its monosyllabic star. It really is a work of art. This DVD release too is a real treat, with a great transfer and soundtrack (although why is the music in mono?). Give it a try, by Crom.

I'm rather protective of the work of Robert E. Howard, a brilliant writer who died - by his own hand - far too young, and I was quite pleased by this cinematic treatment of his famed barbarian hero. Far too often, true fantasy seems to turn into comedy once Hollywood writers get their hands on it, but Conan the Barbarian is a dark, serious film that treats Conan as a man and not some mythical figure. By no means a big-budget production, the film features an impressive cast, some really nice special effects, and a wonderful musical score. I wasn't all that sure about James Earl Jones playing the bad guy, but the man's a great actor and never strays a bit out of character as the ominous Thulsa Doom.

Life wasn't easy back in Conan's day. As a child, he saw his village razed, his father killed, and his mother beheaded before his very eyes, then suffered the life of a slave until early adulthood. Obviously a supreme worker given his natural strength, you'd think his masters would want to keep him around, but eventually he's thrown into a mediaeval fight night challenge to kill or be killed. He wins, of course, then goes on to stomp mud holes in opponent after opponent; he is so good that he is sent to the east to get the best training available - including the ability to read, yet another skill you don't normally want your potentially dangerous slave to obtain. The big mystery, though, is his master's decision to grant him his freedom. As far as I can tell, the film offers no real explanation for that decision. Now a free man, though, Conan soon picks up a sidekick in Subotai (Gerry Lopez) and a love interest in the form of female warrior Valeria (Sandahl Bergman). They all live it up as daring thieves for awhile, but fate eventually leads Conan to the formidable temple of Thulsa Doom and his serpent cult, thereby pitting our hero against the man who had taken everything from him, including his freedom, all those years ago.

Barbarians, as you know, can't sleep unless they've killed at least one person that day, so expect plenty of violence over the course of the film's two hours. Sharpened steel blades tend to cut right through human flesh, especially when it's the powerful arm of Conan wielding the sword. Along with all the hack and slash, you get at least two decapitations and a couple of unique deaths by snake (that Thulsa Doom has a few dark tricks in his arsenal). A couple of gigantic snakes also put in an appearance, but they don't even try to swallow anybody, which is a little disappointing. All of the blood is realistic and never gratuitous, yet another reason why this is such an impressive film. Arnold Schwarzenegger deserves a lot of credit himself, turning in quite an impressive performance for a relatively unknown body builder. One can only wish that more great characters from the world of fiction were given as respectful a cinematic make-over as Conan the Barbarian received in this 1982 fantasy classic.

John Milius got it right first time with this genre - and clearly still had fire in the belly fresh from his previous work on the mighty Apocalypse Now. The casting for this film was spot on with Arnie in his most convincing performance, and non-actors such as Gerry Lopez, Sandahl Bergman and Ben Davison were very watchable. But if BOTH Max von Sydow AND James Earl Jones sign up to appear in the same film, something has to be good. This film is very good, and I'll say it - all in all, not least considering the modest budget - it outperforms Jackson's Lord of the Rings by more than a length. The soundtrack is in a league of its own and the audio-visual historical subtleties are a delight for the imaginative antiquarian - Vikings, Celts, Tocharians, Mongols, Etruscans, Sumerians and Hittites all lend their nuance to the production if you sense carefully enough. Thulsa Doom is a superb villain - a perfect example of the once-great and just leader that realises his fading strength and compensates for this through limitless acts of aggression. Sounds like just about every boss I've worked for!

Is it just me, but did the character of Thorgrim look like one of the guys from ABBA on steroids?