Help, Comfort and Hope After Losing Your Baby in Pregnancy or the First Year [Paperback]

This is the best book on the topic of perinatal loss I have read. It is a guide through the grieving process not only for the bereaved parents but also for caretakers, friends and others. This book can help parents make decisions during a time when they may not be able to make decisions or when they not know what their rights and options regarding their precious babies are. It also validates the bereaved parents' feelings, since parents often feel isolated during their grieving process over their child who died before he/she ever lived on this earth. Other parents share their experiences and you realize you are not alone. An exellent book that I will recommend to everybody who has lost a baby or who knows somebody who has lost a baby.

I didn't know what to do with myself when my son died on Jan. 15, 2002. I still am having a huge amount of trouble, but this book is helping me take steps forward even though part of me does not want to. I have purchased many loss books and this one is the best for practical advice. It helps you feel less alone, offers you ideas on what you will go through (all of which you need) but also gives you practical ideas on what to do to help yourself through this horribly difficult time. It is hands down, one of the best books I bought. If you buy only one loss book, buy this one.

I want to be honest and say I have not read this book yet, but I am ordering it for a young woman I know. I had the most impactful experience today, and am still spinning from the experience.

There is a young girl in my town that I barely know. I see her when I go in the local dairy queen, and I hired her to dog sit when we went on vacation once. Other than that, I have really had very limited time with her. That is why the events of the day seem so peculiar and perfectly alligned, in an odd sort of way.

This young, single girl found herself pregnant about 6 months ago, and shared the news with me when I stopped in for ice cream. Despite the fact that she was not married, making minimum wage, living with her parents, and had no liscence or car, she seemed pretty excited about it. She didn't seem to know, what we all thought but did not say.

Well, yesterday, I got a call from her boss who is a friend of mine. She told me this girl (I will call her Kim for the sake of simplifying the story) went in for a prenatal appointment, where they discovered that there was no heartbeat, and she was admitted to the hospital. Then she said the oddest thing to me. Kim was asking for ME. Of course, I thought wow, this was really uncomfortable, and very inconvenient, since the hospital was so far away. It was already passed 8:00 pm when I got the news, so I thought I would add it to my busy schedule the next day between my daughter's dentist appointment and closing on a house we sold.

The next afternoon, with my daughter and two of her friends in tow, I went in to the hospital and up to the maternity ward. I had the kids sit in the family waiting room while I asked for her room number and walked up the hall to see her.

The room was very dark, with the lights off. Her parents were in the room, but no sign of the man the got her pregnant. She was clearly in pain on the bed and moaning while the two of them sat calmly in chairs all the way across the room. Immediately, her father, whom I have never met, said you must be T...... and I said yes, thinking it odd they were all expecting me. This girl was half my age, and not exactly a best friend.

I sat down beside her and held her hand. I whispered breathe.... just breathe. She seemed to respond to me and clutched my hand tightly. I wasn't in that room 5 minutes when she looked at me and said, I have to push. Her parents abruptly got up and said "that is our que to leave." I sat there holding her hand with my head spinning and pressing an emergency button over and over again. Time stood still while she pushed several pushes with no medical personnel in the room. A nurse popped her head in and said is everything ok, and I looked up at her desperately and said "hurry, Please."

I ssked kim "do you want me to go, sweetie" and she looked at me with tears in her eyes and pleaded with me not to leave her. The doctors and nurses rushed in and began to do their work. They pulled her knees up, and there, I found myself holding her head while she pushed, and kissing her on the forehead while tears ran down my face. She gave birth to a still born, fully formed beautiful baby girl within minutes. She screamed for her mother and sobbed inconsolably. Her mother came in and took her other hand and stayed silently until I felt her release my hand. I leaned over and told her I knew she needed to be with her mother, and left the room, grabbing the kids from the waithing area and heading for the elevators. I had been at the hospital for a total of 34 minutes.

One thing that made this peculiar event even more strange was, the entire thing happened to me 9 years before; only I was the woman delivering a still born baby. I found myself holding the hand of my husband's buddy's wife that I had only met a few times. She had been released from the hospital for only two weeks when she came to see me at the hospital. I did not ask for her. she chose to come. The things she had said to me that night were the kind of things only another woman could know. A woman who had lived through that sort of grief. We are forever connected, and I will never forget her spirit and strength that night that I had none of my own.

And now, I have another connection, to another woman and we will always have that bond. The pain of losing your baby is such a terrible thing, and no one can know what it feels like; except the sorrority of women who have lived through it.

And what I will say is this: don't say anything but "I'm so sorry." so many stupid things are said by poor, well meaning people who don't know what to say. Don't initiate the conversations about it. Don't ask questions about the baby. Never say "maybe it was for the best" or "It is God's way". This does not comfort. Don't say "you can have more". Just listen and let her grieve at her own pace, her own way.

And to the woman who has recently lived through this, I will say it gets better. It takes a while but it gets better. We all love you, and we know...really know what you are going through. Let the ones closest to you hold you and help you.

I am buying this book for my young friend, and I hope it has something helpful in it for her. I will keep you posted....

T