Low-budget 70s US horror, how do I love thee? Let me count the ways... Lemora, Death Bed, Messiah of Evil... and oh yes, Bob Clarke's `Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things' , a tour-de-force of dark humour and morbid atmospherics that for zombie fanatics seems to be the cinematic equivalent of Marmite. Detested by some, adored by others, I find myself firmly in the latter camp. And camp is indeed the word when it comes to the film's central figure Alan (Alan Ormsby, also the film's producer and writer), as monstrous and bitchy a protagonist as any horror flick has delivered unto we mere mortals. Alan is an ac-tor, luvvie, playwright and theatrical director with a very odd sense of humour. Blackmailing his theatrical troupe into journeying to a strange, spooky cemetery island to conduct a cod-occult ritual, Alan has in fact arranged for a pair of screaming pals to dress up as corpses and harangue his poor victims, for no readily apparent reason. However, after digging up a genuine (male) corpse, declaring it his bride and naming it Orville, Alan's ritual to reanimate the dead actually begins to work...
`Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things' is definitely an acquired taste, and won't be for all. On the debit side of its account are the clear lack of budget and the slow, sometimes excruciatingly protracted pacing of the first half of the film, which basically consists of Alan verbally abusing all the other actors (who come across as a whinging variation on the cast of `Scooby Doo', in a manner very similar to that employed by `The Texas Chainsaw Massacre'.) Furthermore, the character of Alan is so clearly designed to evoke viewer hatred that many may find him far too irritating to spend so long in the company of until he faces the possibility of his comeuppance. On the credit side though, the atmosphere in the film, even when little is happening, is masterfully evoked: the whole film takes place at night and has that unmistakeable something special about its general ambience. The bitching between Alan and his entourage is also quite amusing and oddly believable: though Alan is super-flamboyant, his antagonistic relationship with the others seems entirely plausible.
But the film's real strength lies in the final twenty-five minutes when the dead finally (finally!) rise. The zombies are brilliantly executed and their assault on the cast is well-directed and genuinely frightening - as a veteran of countless zombie flicks, I can assure you there is nothing comical or ludicrous about this film's walking dead. In fact, there is something really violent and unnerving about these ghouls, and their vigorous necrotic savagery is the perfect reward for viewers who've made it through the lengthy Alan-fest of the rest of the film. Speaking of whom, the climax sees an unforgettable moment involving Alan and real-life wife Anya as they face an unstoppable zombie assault - I won't spoil it, but watch how the zombies react to Alan's actions. For me, that one moment justifies the entire film.
Further viewing? Well, the film's structure is not without influence: it seems to have a real spiritual descendant in John "Bud" Cardos's 1984 flick "Night Shadows" (re-released as "Mutant"), which functions very similarly... slow start but with a mind-blowingly brilliant last half hour, up there amongst the best in zombie cinema. And if you want to play "follow the director", may I recommend Clarke's other seminal works, "Deathdream" and especially "Black Christmas"? But as for "Children..." : you will love it or hate it, but you won't forget it. Brace yourself... Alan awaits...
