Most Helpful Customer Reviews
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7 of 8 people found the following review helpful:
2.0 out of 5 stars
One size does not fit all, 26 May 2008
I found this book took an extreme approach to relationships. Although Josh himself states at the beginning of the book that "God doesn't have a one-size-fits-all plan for relationships" and that courtship isn't something he wants to point readers toward but rather "to help you place God squarely in the middle of your love life"; the more I read the less convinced I was that that really was what Harris was saying. As I read on, I couldn't help feeling that 'Boy Meets Girl' does read like an ad campaign for courtship. It's abundantly clear that Joshua thinks that courtship is the best way for a relationship to lead to marriage, but what worked for him is not necessarily what will work for everyone else. People's love stories will take many different shapes and forms, that's what makes them beautiful. People who read 'Boy Meets Girl' should not feel that they have to conform to the rules he lays out in his book, although if they feel God is telling them that's what they have to do, then they can.
I probably wouldn't have bought this book at all if I had not read the opening chapter. I could instantly relate to what Shannon was feeling, and I couldn't wait to find out what happened next. Unfortunately, I found the three-month jump into the future to be very unsatisfactory. As Joshua watches Shannon make her way across the parking lot, he is unsure of her feelings towards him. In fact, he's sure she likes someone else. But then the story jumps ahead 3 months as Joshua prepares to make the Big Phonecall to Shannon, and he reveals very little about what happens in those missing 3 months, except to say that he prayed a lot and sought advice from trusted confidantes in his life who all encourage him to go for it. Joshua decides that it's time to make his feeings to Shannon known, in spite of the fact that as friends, they don't appear to be particularly close. (He has never called her at home before.) Telling someone you're interested in them is a huge thing to do. How did Joshua arrive at his decision when only a few short months ago, he'd been apparently agonising over the fact that Shannon's interest might be directed elsewhere? I can't help wishing that he'd written about his journey there with more depth.
Don't get me wrong. 'Boy Meets Girl' is well-written, and Joshua's foundations for courtship and a God-centred relationship clearly set out and difficult to argue with. However, in spite of his belief that courtship is rooted in the Bible, I am not convinced. The Bible has a lot to say about the way we should live our lives, but it says nothing about dating because it didn't exist back then. If it did, we probably wouldn't be reading books on 'how to do' Christian dating.
I found several things about 'courtship' a bit strange. For a couple who are 'courting', their relationship seems to be undefined at the beginning because they aren't sure if they will get married or not, yet they are entering a committment which could lead to marriage. And yet Joshua states in Chapter 3 that "You can't have a purposeful relationship" (which is what courtship is about), "or set a clear course for it when marriage is so far off." Although a couple who enter into a 'courtship' should be at least considering marriage, he writes that courtship can be "low-pressure and casual when it begins" and that it "shouldn't be too serious too soon." I found his attempts to explain what courtship was slightly confusing and contradictory at times. Joshua states that courtship is "A willingness to honestly explore the merits of a lifelong committment...by answering the 'What's the point?' question...at the very outset." Yet in another chapter, he argues that it is not 'a form of preengagement'. While all the things he says courtship is or should be were very good, the 'more than friends, less than lovers' talk was rather vague, and sounded awkward to me.
In chapter seven, Joshua talks about how to 'embrace your God-given role as a man or a woman', where he encourages men to be leaders and women to embrace godly femininity. Problem is that when talking about gender roles, it's too easy to slip into stereotypes. Apart from dressing modestly and being'nurturing'towards others, what does 'godly femininity' really mean? How would you describe it to a girl who has body piercings and favours gothic clothing for example?
I read the things that Joshua had to say about the way Christian women should dress with interest. Over and over, I've read that women should be encouraged to focus on inner beauty: "If you want godly men to respect and cherish you as a woman, refuse to buy into our culture's obsession with being physically beautiful and sexually alluring," Joshua advises. "Have you ever asked your father or another Christian woman to honestly evaluate your clothing? Are you willing to sacrifice fashion to be obedient to God?"
I think it's interesting that Joshua feels the need to advise Christian women against wearing sexy clothing. I certainly don't dress that way and I don't know any woman in my church who does either. In fact, there is a danger that Christian women may be so intent on this refusal to 'buy into' culture's fixation with beauty that they let their apperance go because it doesn't matter. But unfortunately, it does. And even though Christian men should be attracted to your inner beauty, the chances are that that if he doesn't find a girl attractive to start with, he won't be interested.
One of the issues I had with 'Boy Meets Girl' is that it is one guy's idea of the best way to develop a relationship which will lead to marriage, and one guy's idea of the best way to date. (Or should that be 'court'?) Joshua Harris met the love of his life at age 23 and married her twelve months later. My point being that it doesn't work out that way for most Christians. (In fact, more Christians than ever before are remaining unmarried.) I also disagree with the implication that the book makes: you can have God at the centre of your relationship without uttering the word 'courtship' and without following a long list of rules and a 'formula'. As long as God is at the centre, isn't that what matters?
The second issue is that Joshua's guidelines may not be compatible with today's society. (I mean, as noble and romantic as courtship sounds, how many guys would be willing to ask a girl's father for his OK before he made a move? And how would the girl feel about that?) Joshua Harris has apparently lived a very insulated life. He was home-schooled and raised in the church. He lives under the same roof as his pastor. He works in the church office. In such an environment, it was easy for him to do the whole courtship thing, but how easy will it be for Christians who live and work with non-believers or whose parents aren't Christians? And what if the person they wish to court doesn't agree with them?
I don't feel that Boy Meets Girl has a lot to offer Christian singles. As a matter of fact, the pain and loneliness many Christian singles face isn't approached until the last chapter. It is only after Joshua writes about his wedding day that he attempts to put singleness into context, and he seems at a loss for words: "Every day I get letters from men and women who have waited far longer than I did and experienced much more pain. I don't have easy answers." I don't feel that Joshua's experience with singleness and relationships (he did write 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye' after all,) qualifies him to write about the subject with much insight. OK, he did it - he kissed dating goodbye, and then met the girl of his dreams at age 23! What if he just got lucky?
My final question is: upon reading Boy Meets Girl, does it seem that Joshua is dishing out a list of 'rules'? And does it seem that in following those rules, it lacks something important? Like mystery?
Not every couple will want to follow a step-by-step 'how-to'. They might want their relationship to have a bit more of a story.
On saying all that however, I'm sure many people will find this book challenging and inspiring. Just remember: when it comes to relationships, one size does not fit all.
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20 of 25 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Refreshing, 16 Feb 2003
There are a few things that cause many Christians to achieve less than God wants them to. One of the main ones, I think, is immature, romantic relationships. In 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye' Harris talks of why he thinks 'dating' is wrong and now he sets out what to do when you find the person you think you may want to marry. This book is NOT legalistic although Harris does say he thinks couples should have boundaries and he truthfully tells us what his limits were. It was amazingly refreshing to hear someone talking of keeping yourself pure for your future spouse and suggesting ways of doing this. A definite buy. I would suggest this book to people of all ages and marriage status. To help in your own life and to give advice to others.
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13 of 17 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars
Just as good if not better than 'I kissed dating goodbye', 16 Jul 2002
Again Joshua Harris has produced a brilliant book that gives the best advice from a Christian perspective on dating that I have ever heard. I thought that 'I Kissed Dating Goodbye' was fantastic and completely agreed with it but was left wondering what happens when I meet somebody that I could spend the rest of my life with. Reading this book has answered that question and I now feel confident that God will help show me who that person is whether it is next year or 10 years down the line! This book isn't just advice on how to handle dating and find the perfect match, it brings scripture and biblical relevance into the issue and encourages sticking to God's way during a relationship. Thank you Joshua for another brilliant guide!!
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