Amy's Answering Machine: Messages from Mom (Hardcover)

Amy's Answering Machine is one of the funniest books I have ever read. While many books start with funny quotations from real people, this book not only has better material in that regard but also uses that material to make even more humorous comments. For example, Ms. Borkowsky's mother sees on the Weather Channel that it is about to snow in New York where Ms. Borkowsky lives. Her mother's message says, "I wouldn't go shlepping to any outlying areas." "And wrap a scarf around your face . . . there was that man who climbed Mount Everest and lost his entire nose." Ms. Borkowsky then does a great bit about the risk to her nose and this is complemented by a delightful drawing of her verbal image.

The book's format is based on ten years of actual telephone answering machine recordings. Each section starts with a statement or a question by Ms. Borkowsky about her mother, such as, "So why does my mother always feel compelled to call me up with a weather report?" Next, you get a transcript of an actual recording. Then Ms. Borkowsky comments on the recording. And there is a lampooning drawing to heighten the comic effects.

Now, you should realize that Ms. Borkowsky's mother is a very caring and concerned woman . . . who does seem to have a lot of time to worry about her single daughter in New York. Before commenting further, I should disclose that I am famous in my college class for having arrived with a trunk full of toilet paper and candles that my mother sent to handle the hurricanes that often hit the east. That may be part of the reason why I found the book so funny.

Let me share a few examples with you.

"To my mother, any story she hears on the news is directly related to my well-being." The recording in this case recounts a tale of a little girl found starving in an apartment, which her mother ties to the fact that Ms. Borkowsky "looked like Olive Oyl" on her last visit.

"So why does my mother always have to repeat herself?" This one contains a message where her mother repeats "Priority Mail" several times. Obviously, with a tape, you can easily replay it anytime you want.

"Even in the simplest things I enjoy -- like listening to music, my mother will find some element of danger." This ties to a message about getting ear infections from wearing ear phones with a portable player, although Ms. Borkowsky hasn't done this in years.

Her mother is always thinking ahead. Knowing that she will be going to the motor vehicle bureau, her mother calls to remind her to go to the bathroom first.

Upon hearing about a health alert, her mother calls her with a hilarious message about the perils of sleeping with men who use contraceptive equipment made out sheepskins. After this, the author keeps the machine turned low when she is entertaining male guests.

One of the great routines is about the perils of getting a cat. There are veterinary bills, shedding, and a boyfriend might turn out to be allergic. This was at a time when the author had no boyfriend.

When the author tells her mother she is going on a one-day trip to Washington to tour around, she is warned: "Don't let them leave you alone with the president."

Her mother is always hunting for a husband for her. I won't tell more here, because the material is just too delicious for words.

Her mother also has words of wisdom about colors to wear in bathrobes, finding real New York rye bread, handling turmoil at the U.N., Halloween, lap-top computers, airplane flights, her biological clock, how to wear her hair, ketchup, and answering machine messages.

The book ends with some suggestions for how to handle all of this. At the end of the list, the author asks the key question: "Could all this advice giving mean I'm turning into my mother?"

There is a glossary of terms in the book (which I often needed). "Farshtupped" means all stuffed up. "Plotz" means to explode due to emotion. There is also a word I did not recognize for a male anatomical area.

This book will give you a new appreciation for your mother. And your mother-in-law. I love both.

Oh! And by the way. We don't have an answering machine at our home.

Listen . . . and learn!