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Most Helpful Customer Reviews
12 of 12 people found the following review helpful
This book was highly useful as adoptive parents... but only as a cautionary tale of what NOT to do.
I read this entirely prepared to be sympathetic, and expecting a story of a highly damaged child making her placement untenable through violence, stealing or sexual abuse. Despite then adoptive parents' desperate attempts to vindicate and glorify themselves, the worst they can accuse Lucy of was normal childhood behaviours (mild fibbing to avoid punishment, squabbling with her sister) or behaviour that should be expected in a traumatised child (needing firm structure and security). The writer's constant stream of self-justification and self-praise in the face of her callous abandonment of her child doesn't help matters, either. And her selfcentredness and complete lack of empathy is stunning.
The writer is horrified that the social workers "accused" her of emotional abuse, but that is exactly what her own account stands as an indictment for. From the start, Lucy was relegated to a secondary position and had it constantly reinforced that she was less important and worthwhile than their birth child, who comes across as a spoiled, unlikeable and manipulative brat despite her mother's best attempts to portray her as a perfect angel - in contrast, of course, to poor, inadequate, chubby, second-best Lucy.
Poor Lucy must always have been aware that she had been adopted merely as an adjuct to (and toy for) the "real" daughter. (Unsuprisingly, the adoption breakdown was accompanied by the mother getting pregnant with another biokid.) When the birth daughter decided she was tired of having a sister, she just had to attempt a unconvincing imitation of being "troubled" that read like it had been taken from Home & Away, and the poor "forever daughter" was dumped, now too old to have much chance of a permanent placement.
Two things particularly resonate in my memory: that the birth daughter had a large bedroom while Lucy was relegated to a cupboard under the stairs - shades of Harry Potter! - and that when Lucy made the mistake of playing with the popular kids who were uninterested in Perfect Birth Daughter (amazing, as she was so beautiful and charming...) she was threatened by her mother with "Don't you WANT to be a part of the family?" Unfortunately, giving up her friends and pathetically apologising for daring be more popular than her "sister" wasn't, in the end, enough to avoid her being returned to Social Services like an unwanted pet being dumped on the pound.
This is a heartbreaking and unpleasant read about the abuse and rejection of an already damaged child. The poor little mite is blamed for everything from her mother failing to bond with Biokid #2 to Boi
koid #1's unconvincing "anorexia" to causing the family car to be broken into by giving them bad luck. The only thing the adoptive mother is right about was that Social Services really should have rejected her as a prospective adopter from the start.
I read this entirely prepared to be sympathetic, and expecting a story of a highly damaged child making her placement untenable through violence, stealing or sexual abuse. Despite then adoptive parents' desperate attempts to vindicate and glorify themselves, the worst they can accuse Lucy of was normal childhood behaviours (mild fibbing to avoid punishment, squabbling with her sister) or behaviour that should be expected in a traumatised child (needing firm structure and security). The writer's constant stream of self-justification and self-praise in the face of her callous abandonment of her child doesn't help matters, either. And her selfcentredness and complete lack of empathy is stunning.
The writer is horrified that the social workers "accused" her of emotional abuse, but that is exactly what her own account stands as an indictment for. From the start, Lucy was relegated to a secondary position and had it constantly reinforced that she was less important and worthwhile than their birth child, who comes across as a spoiled, unlikeable and manipulative brat despite her mother's best attempts to portray her as a perfect angel - in contrast, of course, to poor, inadequate, chubby, second-best Lucy.
Poor Lucy must always have been aware that she had been adopted merely as an adjuct to (and toy for) the "real" daughter. (Unsuprisingly, the adoption breakdown was accompanied by the mother getting pregnant with another biokid.) When the birth daughter decided she was tired of having a sister, she just had to attempt a unconvincing imitation of being "troubled" that read like it had been taken from Home & Away, and the poor "forever daughter" was dumped, now too old to have much chance of a permanent placement.
Two things particularly resonate in my memory: that the birth daughter had a large bedroom while Lucy was relegated to a cupboard under the stairs - shades of Harry Potter! - and that when Lucy made the mistake of playing with the popular kids who were uninterested in Perfect Birth Daughter (amazing, as she was so beautiful and charming...) she was threatened by her mother with "Don't you WANT to be a part of the family?" Unfortunately, giving up her friends and pathetically apologising for daring be more popular than her "sister" wasn't, in the end, enough to avoid her being returned to Social Services like an unwanted pet being dumped on the pound.
This is a heartbreaking and unpleasant read about the abuse and rejection of an already damaged child. The poor little mite is blamed for everything from her mother failing to bond with Biokid #2 to Boi
koid #1's unconvincing "anorexia" to causing the family car to be broken into by giving them bad luck. The only thing the adoptive mother is right about was that Social Services really should have rejected her as a prospective adopter from the start.
18 of 19 people found the following review helpful
Having read an extract from this book I must say, myself and other colleagues found it extremely distressing to learn how this child was treated. There seems to be some sort of belief out there, which perhaps reflects society in general that its ok to give up if things get a little tough. I was saddened to hear that this now extends to children. I always understood that when you adopted a child it was for life. It meant they became a part of your life just as if you had given birth to them.
The parents (and let us not forget they are her parents-despite the fact they seem to think this is only on paper-interesting perspective on parenthood) come across as cold and self centred. It was all about the impact on them and not about the impact on either of their little girls. They discarded Lucy with as much thought as one would take a puppy to the RSPCA kennels and little has been made of the message given to the older child. She has seen her sister removed from the home because she didn't fit in with what their ideal of what a sister should be. They demonstrate no understanding of how siblings behave and interact, in fact they show very little understanding of anything other than their own wants and needs.
How could a mother pack up her 8 year old daughter who has already experienced rejection), in four days, wonder at her commenting on the time and ask how much time she had left. Did she not recognise this as signs of anxiety and distress in Lucy? How would she feel if her husband announced that he was divorcing her and she had 4 days to pack up and go with no chance of future contact or relationship?
The husband comes across as very selfish and lazy - he is the epitome of what absent fathers are. If he cannot cope with two young daughters and does not expect to have at work at a relationship, how will he cope when they hit puberty and all of this may well be thrown back in his face! To publicly call your daughter a nuisance is cruel- child abuse takes many forms!
To add insult to injury they now seem to be profiting from their cruelty and trying to garner support and validation for their inhuman and callous behaviour. Do they really think that Lucy or someone one who knows will not recognise the story!
They feel slighted that she has stopped responding to their xmas and birthday cards. Once again demonstrating their total lack of insight into the trauma they have caused this child and let us not forget she was a 4 year old girl who had no control over her life.
There is nothing brave about what they have done - it would have been brave to keep Lucy and work through the problems like thousands of families do every day.
The parents (and let us not forget they are her parents-despite the fact they seem to think this is only on paper-interesting perspective on parenthood) come across as cold and self centred. It was all about the impact on them and not about the impact on either of their little girls. They discarded Lucy with as much thought as one would take a puppy to the RSPCA kennels and little has been made of the message given to the older child. She has seen her sister removed from the home because she didn't fit in with what their ideal of what a sister should be. They demonstrate no understanding of how siblings behave and interact, in fact they show very little understanding of anything other than their own wants and needs.
How could a mother pack up her 8 year old daughter who has already experienced rejection), in four days, wonder at her commenting on the time and ask how much time she had left. Did she not recognise this as signs of anxiety and distress in Lucy? How would she feel if her husband announced that he was divorcing her and she had 4 days to pack up and go with no chance of future contact or relationship?
The husband comes across as very selfish and lazy - he is the epitome of what absent fathers are. If he cannot cope with two young daughters and does not expect to have at work at a relationship, how will he cope when they hit puberty and all of this may well be thrown back in his face! To publicly call your daughter a nuisance is cruel- child abuse takes many forms!
To add insult to injury they now seem to be profiting from their cruelty and trying to garner support and validation for their inhuman and callous behaviour. Do they really think that Lucy or someone one who knows will not recognise the story!
They feel slighted that she has stopped responding to their xmas and birthday cards. Once again demonstrating their total lack of insight into the trauma they have caused this child and let us not forget she was a 4 year old girl who had no control over her life.
There is nothing brave about what they have done - it would have been brave to keep Lucy and work through the problems like thousands of families do every day.
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Most Recent Customer Reviews
Adoption Undone
I found this book profoundly irritating. It's the account of an adoption that disrupted and while I had some sympathy for the writer (it's told in the first person), she seemed to... Read more
Published 1 month ago by J. Burnell
made me cry
I read this book in a night and it made me cry so much I was left exhausted. I am a social worker and have placed many children for adoption, but everything that Karen Carr wrote... Read more
Published 15 months ago by D. J. Barker
Easy to judge, not so easy to live through.
I would like to express my appreciation for the authors honesty and bravery in revealing the innermost wranglings of her family. Read more
Published on 11 May 2009 by Jules
Excellent!
What a refreshing change for a realistic and honest portrayal of a very common - but often ignored situation. Read more
Published on 19 July 2008 by Eyes wide open
A much needed true life account of adoption
I feel that the previous review of Karen Carr's book was harsh. I agree that Karen did not portray a good picture of herself, but then, that was not what the book was about. Read more
Published on 9 July 2008 by G. Adams
What an unpleasant nasty selfish woman.
This woman came up against problems that would be trivial if it was your 'own child'.
When they'd had enough of the child they'd adopted her husband phoned social... Read more
When they'd had enough of the child they'd adopted her husband phoned social... Read more
Published on 6 July 2008 by Sally
Wow. Very difficult story to tell --but essential to read
There is no better word to describe the emotional impact of reading this family's story except "harrowing. Read more
Published on 19 Nov 2007 by Dendera
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