Acorn Antiques [DVD]

This is quite a short little DVD, coming in at just over the hour, with no extras and quite an abrupt start ... which helps sustain the image of a low-budget, incompetent production. Victoria Woods' beautifully observed and scripted assassination of 'Crossroads' (and a few other, now moribund, television series) unfolds before you like an accident happening in your sitting room. A dozen episodes, with no pretence at continuity, are dealt for your delight, each opening with the wonderful Julie Walters lurking in shot, in a doorway, ready to deliver her line, her coffee, and the odd macaroon or two.

All the dreadful timing, the fluffed lines, the out-of-sequence entrances and exits, the perilous props, intrusive camera angles, bad hair days, and lethal technology are present, not to mention the pretentious scripts, ham acting, abrupt editing, lack of fading, and monotonous direction. It's a pastiche of bad television which can only be put together by a superb cast - and Victoria Woods assembled a magnificent ensemble for this classic. Julie Walters, of course, and Victoria Woods herself, but Celia Imrie, Duncan Preston, Kenny Ireland, and Rosie Collins play their ham roles magnificently. Their timing and professionalism is impeccable ... well, nearly.

Every mistake you can imagine is beautifully choreographed and scripted, and the dozen episodes of 'Acorn Antiques' are stitched together via the continuity of Susie Blake, playing the worst television announcer since ... well, I'll leave you to fill in that gap.

Short, sharp and witty, and a national treasure. Excellent.

There aren't many DVDs that are so funny they can litterally make you wet yourself laughing the third time you watch them, but Acorn Antiques somehow manages it. Although the DVD doesn't have any "extras" (it would have been nice to have the Acorn Antiques spin-offs in the sushi bar and The Mall), it's well worth the price to be able to relive the "glory" of Acorn Antiques. It's a comedy that works on many levels, some people find it hysterically funny on its own, but those who remember the original "Crossroads" and the "Making of" for "Eastenders" will find this even funnier. It's a funny old show because there are no catchphrases as such and yet you'll find yourself mentioning having your macaroons on a low light since Wednesday or having just whipped your coconut buns out of the microwave for weeks, nay, even years. And if that's not enough, you'll be pinching insults from Susie Blake's excellent continuity announcer between the scenes, if you don't, then perhaps you suffer from frigidity. I know I do!

This was one of the finest hours of the Wood and Walters team. Acorn Antiques was a five minute item in the mid 1980s series "Victoria Wood as seen on TV". This DVD gathers all the Acorn Antiques episodes from both series of "As seen on TV".

Acorn Antiques is heavily based on "Crossroads" (the original series, not the glossy resurgence of 2001). If you ever cringed through Crossroads, you will love this. I was lucky enough to hear on Crossroads, live, the immortal fluffed line "But David, she's the father of Hugh's child!"

Acorn Antiques mercilessly spears the low-budget soap, showing the world behind the scenes as well as the world in front of the camera (though often the two worlds literally collide). Other soaps get a look-in, as in the reference to the programme's supposed theme song "Anyone Can Break A Vase" (a dig at EastEnders and Anita Dobson), but Crossroads is the main target - including the theme tune, which echoes Tony Hatch's composition for Crossroads. There is also a brief trailer for an evidently endless series of turgid spin-off books.

Plot-lines are introduced in the most amateurish way possible -"It's awfully quiet in here. Anybody would think you were talking about million-pound legacies or something." Scenery wobbles, and props fail to convince. The shop sign "Acorn Antiqes" (sic) has been crudely painted over the real name underneath.

The star performance is Julie Walters as Mrs. Overall, the faithful servant to the family business. Her dialogue abounds in malapropisms, non sequiturs and sententious observations beyond the realm of logic -"I sometimes think being widowed is God's way of telling you to come off the pill". She is recognizably modeled on Crossroads' Amy Turtle. Celia Imrie excels as the brittle shop owner. Duncan Preston manages to achieve a more wooden performance than Ronald Allen did in Crossroads (which is a mighty challenge). Added mirth is provided by Susie Blake as the snobbish TV announcer who introduces each episode ("We'd like to apologise to viewers in the North. It must be dreadful for you.")

I bought the video about 15 years ago. As far as I know, it soon disappeared from the catalogue, and was unavailable until the DVD release in 2005. Buy now before it disappears again.