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Not all psychological problems can be traced to low self-esteem (or what I refer to in this book as self-depreciation), but a lot can. Read the first page
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Front Cover | Copyright | Table of Contents | Excerpt | Index | Back Cover
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What is the solution to low self-esteem? Surely it must be to increase your self-esteem, right? No.
Far better to do away with the whole idea of self-esteem and replace it with something much more satisfactory.
Self-esteem is based on the idea that you can judge ('esteem') EVERYTHING about you (your 'self') in a single word or phrase. Eg, I am "good" or a "success" or "useless" or "a failure".
In reality, your SELF is far too complicated to be judged like that, and it is potentially very harmful to do so. This is because your feelings of self worth will depend on how you perform. And as we are all fallible and no-one performs perfectly all the time, relying on self esteem will inevitably leave you feeling bad about your self when life's let-downs occur.
Your self consists of all your thoughts (good, bad, in-between), your behaviours, your habits, your body, your hopes, your skills, everything. This constitutes thousands of different things that make up YOU. That can't be accurately judged in one word or phrase.
To BE a "failure" you would have to fail ALL THE TIME at EVERYTHING. In reality, you fail at some things, you succeed at others, and you don't even bother to judge success or failure in most of the things you do. So why beat yourself up with the label "failure"? The only result is that you feel bad and are less likely to actually sort out the problem.
As this book shows, self acceptance is a far better solution.
Instead of judging your WHOLE SELF, you only judge your actions.
So instead of saying, "I failed my driving test therefore I AM a failure," you can learn to simply say "I failed my driving test. Next time I'll practice more." No self-judgment. You're going to feel disappointed enough about failing the test without giving yourself a hard time about what you ARE.
So you ACCEPT your SELF as a fallible human being. You remember that the whole YOU is too complicated to being judged in a word or phrase. And slowly you realise that you don't need to feel bad about your SELF no matter how anyone judges you (including yourself).
This DOESN'T mean that you judge yourself as "good" no matter what you do. You don't judge your self as "good" or "bad" or anything else. You simply judge what you DO.
If you do something you regret, you simply concentrate on doing what you can to make up for it.
It's a remarkably freeing notion, but one that actually makes it MORE likely you will take responsibility for the things you do.
And of course, this extends to not judging other people, only their ACTIONS.
This idea has most elegantly been described by Windy Dryden, Albert Ellis, Paul Hauck and others, and has helped many people overcome their emotional problems.
Dryden's book does this comprehensively, but without being too technical or full of jargon. Highly recommended.
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