The ADHD Effect on Marriage
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"Readers will find a wealth of information and support as well as practical tips, exercises, and stories." --Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo, coauthors", ""You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!"
Product Description
An invaluable resource for couples in which one of the partners suffers from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), this authoritative book guides troubled marriages towards an understanding and appreciation for the struggles and triumphs of a relationship affected by it, and to look at the disorder in a more positive and less disruptive way. Going beyond traditional marriage counseling which can often discount the influence of ADHD, this discussion offers advice from the author's personal experience and years of research and identifies patterns of behaviour that can hurt marriages - such as nagging, intimacy problems, sudden anger, and memory issues - through the use of vignettes and descriptions of actual couples and their ADHD struggles and solutions. This resource encourages both spouses to become active partners in improving their relationship and healing the fissures that ADHD can cause. Also included are worksheets and various methods for difficult conversations.
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48 reviews
122 of 128 people found the following review helpful
Very Insightful and Helpful Book
3 Sep 2010
Format:Paperback
My wife (who has ADHD) and I (who does not) have just started reading this book together, and we are already benefiting from it!
This is the first book that I have been able to find that isn't only about understanding ADHD and the behaviors that tend to be associated with ADHD. It also addresses behaviors that are associated with the nonADHD person in the couple. And that is essential in order for both partners to feel validated, and also in order for each partner to feel empathy for the other.
In the past, when my wife and I have attempted to read other books together - books that were written for couples in which one of the partners has ADHD - my wife always felt so bad that her ADHD behaviors were causing such pain for me that she was unable to continue. She came away feeling that since she was the one with ADHD, she was to blame for all our problems. And in some ways, I actually agreed with her. But because she was feeling so guilty, she wasn't able to take a step back and really see the effect her behaviors were having on me. And so we were stuck.
The ADHD Effect on Marriage, on the other hand, puts the "blame" not just on the ADHD, but also on the nonADHD spouse's very predictable responses to ADHD behaviors, and also on the ADHD spouse's predictable responses to the nonADHD spouse's responses! So both of us are able to more clearly understand how we are each contributing to the dynamic. She can see the effect her behaviors have on me, and perhaps more importantly, I can see the effect my behaviors (in response to her behaviors) are having on her. And ironically, rather that both of us just feeling bad that we are to blame, we actually now feel that we can work together to improve things.
We've only gotten through the first part of the book - Understanding ADHD in Your Marriage. And already we are listening to each other more, and fighting less! And we both look forward to reading the next section - Rebuilding Your Relationship in Six Steps.
I think if you are in a relationship where one person has ADHD and one does not, I believe you will find this book to be very helpful.
I'll write up an update when we have finished the second part of the book.
This is the first book that I have been able to find that isn't only about understanding ADHD and the behaviors that tend to be associated with ADHD. It also addresses behaviors that are associated with the nonADHD person in the couple. And that is essential in order for both partners to feel validated, and also in order for each partner to feel empathy for the other.
In the past, when my wife and I have attempted to read other books together - books that were written for couples in which one of the partners has ADHD - my wife always felt so bad that her ADHD behaviors were causing such pain for me that she was unable to continue. She came away feeling that since she was the one with ADHD, she was to blame for all our problems. And in some ways, I actually agreed with her. But because she was feeling so guilty, she wasn't able to take a step back and really see the effect her behaviors were having on me. And so we were stuck.
The ADHD Effect on Marriage, on the other hand, puts the "blame" not just on the ADHD, but also on the nonADHD spouse's very predictable responses to ADHD behaviors, and also on the ADHD spouse's predictable responses to the nonADHD spouse's responses! So both of us are able to more clearly understand how we are each contributing to the dynamic. She can see the effect her behaviors have on me, and perhaps more importantly, I can see the effect my behaviors (in response to her behaviors) are having on her. And ironically, rather that both of us just feeling bad that we are to blame, we actually now feel that we can work together to improve things.
We've only gotten through the first part of the book - Understanding ADHD in Your Marriage. And already we are listening to each other more, and fighting less! And we both look forward to reading the next section - Rebuilding Your Relationship in Six Steps.
I think if you are in a relationship where one person has ADHD and one does not, I believe you will find this book to be very helpful.
I'll write up an update when we have finished the second part of the book.
58 of 65 people found the following review helpful
A Timely Miracle
2 Oct 2010
Format:Paperback|Amazon Verified Purchase
This book explains all of the confusing and confounding problems my wife and I have had, period! Through 28 years of marriage and 9 counselors, no one pegged the real problem of our dysfunction - ADHD/ADD. It is as though Melissa Orlov has been in our living room studying and writing about us. We knew ADHD/ADD was in our relationship, but felt taking meds was the whole solution...not! Fortunately, the author does not leave us with just a clear understanding of the problems and the very predictable patterns of behaviors (of both the ADHD/ADD affected spouse and the non-ADHD/ADD spouse,) but offers practical ways to acknowledge the truths of the effects of ADHD/ADD on our relationship and proven methods to alter the course of our marriage (which was miserable and headed for divorce.) From her personal experiences and her research, she explains how to alter both of our behaviors, resolving conflicts and confusion, rekindling love and trust, and communicating in a whole new way. If this book had come out one month later, we'd be getting divorced. As it is, while still separated, we are working towards reconciliation with an entirely different understanding of each other's behaviors and challenges, and with a clear path towards a future with healing and hope. There is no area of marriage left unaddressed, from the challenges of getting mail from the mail box to where it belongs, to finishing the laundry, to dealing with perceptions and solutions to differences in how we process time, money, feelings, sex, thoughts, etc. This book is a God send, and is bringing us back to the love and compassion and consideration and respect we once had for each other.
44 of 49 people found the following review helpful
"The ADHD Effect on Marriage"
8 Sep 2010
Format:Paperback
What I found to be especially helpful about this book are Ms. Orlov's insights about how couples misinterpret the symptoms of ADHD. For example, the author describes how an ADHD spouse who isn't being properly treated can appear to be uncaring and preoccupied with matters that take attention away from home and family. Ms. Orlov explains that the non-ADHD spouse often reacts to this by feeling unloved. These feelings lead to further misunderstandings. When all of this falls on the heels of a very passionate courtship (that wonderful ADHD ability to hyper-focus) both partners are left wondering where they went wrong. "The ADHD Effect on Marriage" explains in very concrete terms how this cycle of action, reaction and reaction to the reaction can wreak havoc on a marriage. Ms. Orlov offers her expertise and advice without laying blame. Her approach is balanced. The book is easy to read, with lots of examples. I highly recommend it to anyone interested in improving a relationship effected by ADHD.
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