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I was prematurely born and spent the first four weeks of my life sleeping in a Cornetto wafer cone. I am the seventh son of a five child family. My mother collects tiddlywinks, and my father once terrorised the streets of Manchester with a poodle strapped to his foot.
At the age of 12, I showed my first promising signs of becoming a writer after my parents discovered me successfully writing the letter 'W'. By the age of 14, I had written the full alphabet, excluding the letters 'K' and "Q".
An avid pop fan, I tried my luck at writing pop songs without any success. I self-penned and self-produced a song for Katy Perry & The Goodies entitled I Kissed A Funky Gibbon, but they didn't like it. I also wrote a song for James Brown & Timmy Mallet entitled Papa's Got A Brand New Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polkadot Bikini, but they turned it down.
In 2002 I answered an ad in my local paper: Writer Wanted for Astrological Phone Lines. However, I predicted that I wouldn't get the job. Sadly, my prediction came true. I wrote to the phone line company explaining that my prediction had come true. Impressed with the power of my prediction, the phone line company offered me the job.
I have pitched many ideas to BBC without any success including a soap about a rapping Yorkshire community called Eminemmmerdale.
I have written the scripts for three films, one starring Alan Carr, Cilla Black and Janet Street Porter called Bite Club, one about a boxer wearing platform shoes and glitter entitled Glam Rocky, and one in which John Cleese, Graham Chapman, Michael Palin, Terry Jones and Eric Idle strip off naked. Sadly, The Full Monty Python, along with the other two films, was a big flop.
A massive fan of the late Bernie Winters, I attempted to self publish the British comedian's biography but Amazon told me to grow up after I instructed them that I wished to advertise it as an eeeeeeeeebook.
I am happily married to an orange rectangle, and have two blue pyramids and a green cube.
Apart from all this, I have written scripts for my comic strip characters published in various comics, magazines and newspapers. I have also written spoof horoscopes for newspapers and radio stations, and jokes for greeting cards.