1313: Cougar Cult [DVD] [2012] [Region 1] [US Import] [NTSC]

Three college hunks accept a job offer as the personal assistants to three voluptuous older ladies, unaware that they have just signed on with a coven of witches who plan to sacrifice them to earn their own immortality! Notorious B-movie director David DeCoteau reunites the original Scream Queens of Horror for the first time in years as Brinke Stevens, Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer return to the small screen in 1313: COUGAR CULT, which is by all rights a mockery of filmmaking. DeCoteau spends over half the run time filming the boys in various stages of undress as they either shower incessantly or toss and turn in bed (in the middle of the day). The shots would be repetitive at best, but the tiring scenes lose all sense of eroticism as they reach the point of absurdity. The ladies have lost none of their particular talents, and we use that in the loosest meaning of the phrase possible. One can expect all of the same silliness and gross overacting that made their careers in the 1980's, minus any middle-aged nudity. We did find momentary satisfaction in the film's awful special effects, however, where the stationary image of a cougar is superimposed over each of the witches' faces in one of the most ridiculous transformations ever caught on film. While the allusions to the Horror classic CAT PEOPLE is appreciated, DeCoteau falls just short of Jacques Tourneur. And when David DeCoteau's worst isn't good enough, it's time to just film half naked men and forgo any attempts at plotting or character development. Rated: "S" for sexless softcore porn.

-Carl Manes
I Like Horror Movies

I thought this would be a silly movie, thinking to at least get the pay off of seeing a sexy cougars. Free rental for me, so I checked it out. You have a movie intended for gay men, as the focus is solely on the guys and none at all on the hot women. AVOID AVOID

I like good cheap horror movies....some of the very best are low budget. Cougar Cult is certainly low budget, but it is certainly also possibly the worst movie I've seen! Very little dialogue: if you cut out all the pointless boring scenes of guys in their underwear, and the repeated footage of the women walking in slow motion or performing some satanic rite over and over....well, you'd have about 5 minutes of very bad acting and dialogue to laugh at. Special effects can be very cool in low budget movies, to see how a director can still do something good even if inexpensive.....but in this case, the ladies heads turn into a literal cartoon cougar heads! Most of the movie was soft porn for aging women....but even then, it seems to fall flat and boring.....how damn long can a guy stand in the shower and move his hands across the same parts of his body over and over and over? Move hands across back, across shoulders, and then across stomach....use no soap, just stand there moving his hands in the water, and not getting his perfectly fixed hair wet.....i mean, of course ratings might prevent out right pornograpy, but you'd think while bathing he'd have to at least TOUCH other parts of his body-men don't turn me on, but if they did, i think i could get more excitement from a soap commercial.....and when i hear a sound in the shower while i'm at someone else's house, i usually put on more than underwear before i stupidly walk around the house investigating the sound.....painted on tight as hell underwear for several minutes of just walking around, after an incredibly long and boring shower scene....only thing good i can say is that the dialogue and acting is very bad, and during the times when talking is going on, at least there's something to laugh at....but instead, there's one long drawn out scene after another with no talking, just guys in underwear.....sleeping with absolutely no covers, again in tight underwear, writhing on the bed because the evil women have sent them nightmares.....five minutes of a guy spraying himself with a water hose while at the pool.... this movie wins worst movie award....i didn't even finish it! i usually can finish even the worst movies, but this one was too boring...only paid 50 cents with a red box discount...so 50 cents and about 45 minutes of my life.....hmmm, i got ripped off! but i can now say i've seen the worst movie ever!